Morning friend,
I just put together an amazing workbook for you all for our upcoming workshop on February 10th called I’m Not Ok When You’re Not Okay: Defining my problem, your problem and our relationship problem.
So many of your questions are around this very topic. But you must register to attend. The webinar will be on social media at a private webinar space. We will need your e-mail to send you the link and workbook. The webinar itself will be about an hour and then I’ll stay for an hour after to answer your questions. We will be offering two LIVE sessions, one at noon ET and the other at 7:30 pm ET. You won’t want to miss it. Please share with someone who might find it helpful. Sign up here.
Today’s Question: My emotionally abusive husband has been taking great strides in self-improvement lately. I see him respecting many of my boundaries. He’s going to therapy and even asked if we could do couples counseling, both of which he had previously said he would never do again. For the first time since we’ve been married, he’s seeking out community from our church. He’s also reading self-help books about coping with anxiety.
However, he still disagrees with our prior marriage counselor’s assessment that he was abusive (even though our close friends, my family, my therapist, and everyone else privy to the details of our relationship agree that his behavior is abusive). He still seems to care more about his “authority” as a husband and father than he does about my felt safety or feelings.
He hasn’t exhibited any of his old abusive behaviors in the last couple of months, which feels miraculous. But I don’t trust him. I often feel as though I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. When he is kind, I can’t discern if he is just acting kind so that he can get something in return or if he genuinely wants to be kind to me. I believe he expects me to trust him and be intimate with him again now that he’s being kinder, but after 8 years of emotional abuse, I don’t feel emotionally safe being vulnerable with him.
Can I learn to trust him without him accepting that he has been abusive? What value or weight does that particular admission hold? Can we have a healthy, loving relationship without him openly recognizing the impact his actions have had?
Answer: You ask great questions about the viability of your relationship with your husband. I’m encouraged to hear that he is respecting your boundaries, going to therapy himself, reading books to learn how to handle his anxiety, and developing male relationships. He’s also open to future marital counseling. These are all signs that give you hope things might be better in the future.
Yet you hesitate, not fully embracing these changes or trusting him again. Rightly so. It feels incongruent. He’s going to individual therapy, yet he doesn’t agree that he was abusive in his behaviors or attitudes toward you. He is now respecting your boundaries, but he cares more about his authority as a husband and father than he does about your felt safety or feelings. You fear he expects you to be happy with his progress, open and trusting, eager to resume physical intimacy—and yet you don’t feel safe with him.
Let’s start with the questions in your last paragraph. First, can you fully trust him again if he doesn’t admit his behaviors were abusive?
What weight would that admission have for you? Even if he agreed he was abusive, would that enable you to trust him again? Or feel safe? Not really. Agreeing that something is a problem isn’t the same thing as stopping or changing the problem behavior. If I were you, I wouldn’t camp out on his admitting abuse. I don’t think that will give you the security you desire. What’s more crucial is your second question: “Can we have a healthy, loving relationship without him openly recognizing the impact his actions have had?”
The short answer is no. Part of any healthy relationship—whether you are married or not—is caring about the impact you have on someone. Even if you did something accidentally, like step on someone’s toe, you would show concern for the impact. Most of us would say, “Oh I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to step on your toe. Are you okay?” And if their toe was broken or bleeding, a healthy, caring individual wouldn’t walk away or blame the other person. He wouldn’t say, “It’s your fault,” or “It was just an accident.” No, we would help them. Pay for their medical care. We would give our resources (time, energy, money) to make restitution for the harm we caused—even if it was minor, even if what happened was unintentional, the damage is still real.
Repair is an important process in all relationships, especially marriage and family life. We all do things that negatively impact one another, especially those we live with. Because we are sinners, that is going to happen at times. But if we deflect, minimize, blame, deny, or spiritualize what we’ve done by misusing Scripture or our “authority,” then repair cannot be made, and the relationship remains broken.
Your husband has been doing something new. You’re not exactly sure why, or for what reason, but you said that he “hasn’t been exhibiting his old abusive behaviors.” If he didn’t see them as abusive, then why did he stop them? How did he know what to stop? Is it possible he stopped because he saw they impacted you in a negative way, even if he didn’t see anything wrong with them?
Do you feel safe enough to invite him into an honest conversation? What might happen if you said something like: “Hey, I’m grateful that you’ve been going to therapy and want us to go to counseling for our marriage. I see you’ve been kinder to me lately. Thank you. Can I ask you a question?” (STOP and wait until he agrees to answer. If he doesn’t want to, don’t push. If he’s willing, then continue.) “What’s different for you? You haven’t been [insert the behaviors he used to do that you labeled “abusive”]. I’m curious because in the past you saw nothing wrong with [those behaviors], so what’s different now?”
His willingness to reflect on himself, listen to you with respect, and answer your question honestly will give you some additional clues as to whether he is truly doing his work or doing what he needs to do to get you to calm down and “get back to normal.”
In addition, he may believe his “authority” as a husband or as head of the home gives him the role as “leader,” but Jesus describes a leader as a servant, not a bully or one who “rules over” others. (See Jesus teaching his disciples on this: Matthew 20:25-28; Mark 10:42-45.)
He may or may not be growing or changing. But I hope you too are growing and changing. A safe and stable marriage requires two healthy adults. You are God’s image bearer, not just a wife. You have thoughts and feelings, ideas and needs that may be different than his, and you should be free to express them without fear. If you attempt to have this new conversation and it goes well, then continue wiring up your courage and invite more honest talk. If this conversation goes nowhere, gets scary, or he pulls an authority card to silence you, then understand whatever is changing is more superficial and won’t last.
This “seeing” process isn’t always a straight line or clear-cut. It will require you taking an active role in observing, being honest with your experience, sometimes challenging, questioning, expressing your thoughts, fears, feelings, and boundaries, and watching how he responds. Is it different than before? Does he value your perspective as his helpmate? Does he care how his words and actions impact you and the children? Is he able to articulate the changes he wants to make in himself as a husband/father/man of God and why? Is he consistent in moving forward with them? And if not, what is his relapse prevention plan? When he messes up, does he own it? Repair the damage? Or blame you or gaslight what happened?
Over time these things will show you whether you can begin to trust him or not. Trust is not automatic nor unconditional. Jesus loved people but he didn’t always trust them (John 2:24-25). Proverbs warns us not to trust people who have been untrustworthy (Proverbs 25:19). Don’t allow yourself to be pressured to do something God doesn’t do himself.
Friend, once your trust was broken, what did the process of repair look like?
