Morning friends,
Here’s a question for you. I am giving a talk in April for the Restore Conference on A Woman’s voice in a Patriarchal culture. Or, in other words, how have you experienced your freedom, ability, and impact when attempting to speak to the men in your world? Fathers, Teachers, Pastors, Coaches, Boyfriends, Husbands Sons, Employers? Would love to hear your experience both positive and negative and how that impacted your ability to use your voice with confidence. Were there any spiritual components involved?
Question: I have been married for 23 years. I met my husband at church and so looked forward to serving the Lord together. About ten years ago after a series of crises my husband no longer wanted anything to do with God, church, or anything Christian.
I have three sons, and I found myself pleading with God, “But, Lord, how am I to rear them to be Godly men with a father so opposed and indifferent?” God has been faithful. He has always met me in my distress, and the more I get to know Him, the more I know that He is all I need.
When my husband decided Christ was irrelevant, he also pulled away from us nearly completely (i.e, we had a gas leak in our garage one evening some years ago and he pretended to turn off the pilot light to the water heater, and then laughed the next day when the gas company informed me that it wasn’t turned off).
The boys and I had our lives, and he had his, a life that included outings with other women, pornography (and all the sexual expectations that accompany it), neglecting the kids (one of whom has a serious chronic illness) and mostly just being completely indifferent to our wellbeing or even existence at times. I often wondered if I would come home to find him in a catatonic state he was so disconnected.
I have my own business and work from home. My husband’s job would not support our family for one month. He wants me to pay the bills, and so if we need more money to cover whatever, the expectation is that I will simply work more to try to cover it. I stopped sleeping except for 2-3 hours a night, sometimes going 48 to 72 hours with no sleep to try to make things “work”.
I have asked him to take over the family finances, to consider and get other work to help, all to no avail. Twice with the advice of counselors I asked him to leave. In my pathetic weakness, the first time he didn’t even leave the house, and the second he left for perhaps two weeks. With promises to change, and his tears of disbelief and distress, I caved and he stayed.
Now I am in crisis. My health is deteriorating, and the doctor has told me if I don’t change something, I am headed for a serious health crisis from stress, lack of sleep, etc. Financially we are suffering, and there simply aren’t enough hours in the day to work more. My memory is failing from lack of sleep, and I simply am on empty.
My biggest question these years has been what does God require of a wife? There have been times I have been crushed by the weight of contemplating that God would expect one of his precious daughters to continue in a marriage that is on paper only, but if I was convinced that’s what He wanted, I’m willing to give my life. My Jesus is worth it. I’m so thankful that my oldest is striving after God, and all three of my dear boys have kind and compassionate dispositions. They continue to come to church with me, and I’m so thankful for them. They are 18, 16 and 13.
In the last months, God seems to be softening my husband’s heart in that he is trying to be more involved, but I find my spirit dead and unresponsive. I am so, so very tired….it is a weariness not of body so much as of my very soul.
I simply do not know how to continue, how to set boundaries, how to “count it all joy”. When I do sleep, it’s on the couch for the most part, and I fear that I am teaching my boys to accept a twisted and distorted idea of marriage. I am at a loss and worn completely out. What now…
Answer: Oh my dear one, my heart goes out to you. You have done what so many good Christian wives and mothers try to do, believing that is what God desires. You’ve worked yourself to the point of illness, knocked yourself out managing home, children, and finances while your husband abandoned his commitments.
What’s wrong with this picture? I’m glad you’ve raised good children who see and appreciate your sacrifices. God is pleased when we sacrifice for another’s wellbeing—in this case, your children. However, they’ve also witnessed a distorted picture: a woman who doesn’t care for herself, a woman who over-functions and tolerates her husband’s financial neglect as well as his adultery without consequences. This isn’t a biblical marriage or sacrificial love.
As a godly woman, you believed your suffering was noble. But looking back—is that true? You didn’t sacrifice only for your children’s wellbeing, but also to support your husband’s sinful behaviors. Did this help him or simply enable him to continue sinning without consequences?
If your husband was hit by a car or battling cancer, working extra would be a noble sacrifice. But you worked yourself to the bone while he partied and slept with other women. That’s not what God expects from a wife.
Scripture is clear: if a man won’t work, he shouldn’t eat (2 Thessalonians 3:10). Each person should carry their own load (Galatians 6:5). A man who won’t provide for his family is worse than an unbeliever (1 Timothy 5:8).
Stepping away from Christ isn’t the same as abandoning responsibilities. Many men question their faith yet still love their children and provide for their families. Your husband shows deep character disturbances—a me-first selfishness with no concern for you or the kids. He hasn’t sought help. So why have you worked yourself to exhaustion providing for him when he’s perfectly capable of providing for himself?
You show all the signs of a kind, over-functioning woman who, in her desire to be godly, enables someone to sin against her without consequence. God does not expect you to sacrifice yourself to enable irresponsibility, sexual unfaithfulness, and deceit.
Your priority now is stewarding your own health—body, mind, and spirit. Your body is saying ENOUGH. What happens if you don’t listen? Right now, don’t focus on your marriage problems or his problems. Focus on restoring your health.
If his heart is truly softening, he should willingly pick up the financial burden, even working two jobs. Ask him to sleep on the couch while you take the bedroom with the door locked. This will reveal if his heart is genuinely changing. Your boys aren’t infants—they can help with household responsibilities.
God sees your heart and your faithful service. But your body has limitations. It needs sleep, refreshment, recreation. Your husband needs to step up and provide. If he’s changing, watch for sustained behavior change, not just acting nice because he’s scared you’ll finally kick him out.
Please do not expect yourself to jump up and down and get all excited because your husband’s heart seems a little more tender. Be suspicious. His heart may not be tender or convicted. It may be scared that you’re finally going to kick him out so he’s “acting nice”. Guard your heart, above all else (Proverbs 4:23). You want to see sustained behavior change over time. You want to see him step up and be responsible and work hard to meet the family’s financial needs. Otherwise, he is grandstanding to get you to feel sorry for him and once you do, he will continue to do what he’s always done, think only of himself.
If you are not strong enough to hold these boundaries, please ask other women to hold you up in prayer and help you stay firm. God does not expect you to take care of him as if he was a disabled child. That is not your responsibility as a wife or as a Christian.
Friend, when you found yourself worn down to the bone by constantly taking care of people who can care for themselves, what finally woke you up enough to stop?
