A common reason couples seek therapy is to decide whether to end their relationship. Oftentimes, they look to the therapist for the answer.

However, this decision is for the couple alone. The therapist’s role is to help each partner reach a decision with which they are satisfied. It is not to tell them what to do.

So, how do you know when it is time to call it quits?

Navigating the Difficult Decision

Sometimes it’s a gut feeling, but more often it’s complex and complicated, a battle between head and heart. Maybe you feel like you’ve tried everything. Or perhaps something happened that seems too big to recover from. The decision to end a relationship isn’t a snap decision made impulsively. Instead, it requires much consideration and forethought.

How to Tell When it’s Time to End a Relationship

• Lack of Effort

  For a relationship to work, constant effort is required from both partners. While love is important, it is not sufficient to sustain a marriage. It’s the lack of effort that signals the end of the relationship.

• Absence of Intimacy
  

  Your relationship can survive on a physical connection alone. Your marriage can endure if there is emotional intimacy (vulnerability, trust, understanding, etc.). But a lack of physical and emotional intimacy usually indicates the relationship has run its course. 

• No Respect
  

  A lack of respect in your relationship is a definite red flag. Respect is a building block on which things like trust and vulnerability can thrive. Do you consider your partner’s feelings before your words or actions? Think about how you treat your partner compared to how you treat other people. Respect means demonstrating that your partner matters. You value their thoughts and opinions, and want them to feel seen and heard. On the other hand, a lack of respect often means there is contempt, which is the number one predictor of divorce and relationship dissolution.

• Pattern of Broken Promises or Betrayals
  

  An affair can signal the end of a relationship, but not always. Marriages can survive infidelity or another type of betrayal. However, if the betrayals, even small ones, become a pattern, it is much harder for the relationship to recover. The little things, like not showing up when they say they will, over time, erode your ability to rely on them. It also shows their lack of effort. 

• Interest has Dwindled
  

  Is spending time with your partner less than attractive to you? Do you prefer being with other people? Does conversation feel forced? Losing interest in your partner means you simply don’t care about what’s going on in their world and don’t have a desire to gain a glimpse into it. Therefore, you’re not asking questions to learn about them. 

• Negativity is the Norm
  

  When negativity becomes the baseline of your relationship, there is a serious problem. While no marriage is sunshine and rainbows all the time, your relationship shouldn’t make you feel bad. Research by relationship expert John Gottman found that happy couples experience positive and negative interactions in a 5:1 ratio: for every 1 negative interaction, there are 5 positive interactions. 

When you think about recent interactions with your partner, were they positive or negative? How did they make you feel? Consider how you feel in your partner’s presence. Do you feel better or worse after spending time together? If most conversations or interactions make you feel bad, the relationship may no longer be serving you. 

When to Break Up with Someone You Still Love

Despite the song lyrics and romantic cliches, love is not all we need. The harsh reality is that love alone is not enough to sustain a healthy relationship.

The Absence of Reciprocal Effort and Growth

What this looks like:

• Only one person is actively invested, resulting in an imbalance that transforms the partnership into caretaking.
• There is stagnation instead of growth.
• Because one person isn’t trying, the other begins to accept that their needs are not important, harming their emotional safety. 
• Resentment builds as one partner becomes increasingly frustrated with their partner’s unequal effort. 
• Without mutual growth, the other person eventually outgrows the relationship.

Why it can be a reason to break up:

Even in the absence of conflict, the relationship becomes unsustainable when effort and growth are no longer shared. 

Core Needs Are Consistently Unmet

What this looks like:

• One or both people have clearly communicated their needs multiple times.
• Promises are made, but behavior does not change.
• The person feels lonely and uncared for within the relationship because of their unmet needs.

Why it can be a reason to break up:

Love without emotional responsiveness can give rise to resentment.

Boundaries Are Consistently Ignored or Violated

What this looks like:

• Not being given space, despite requests for it
• Clear limits are set, but they are continually ignored or dismissed 
• Privacy is violated (snooping on their phone, tracking them, logging into their social media)
• Getting pushback or mockery when expressing that you are uncomfortable 
• Being told you are “too sensitive.” 

Why it can be a reason to break up:

Boundaries are tied to respect. A partner who constantly crosses boundaries is undermining trust and emotional safety. Violations negatively impact your mental health as well as your sense of self.

Accountability is Lacking, and Blame is Constant

What this looks like:

• Problems are not resolved. Issues are deflected rather than addressed. 
• There is no chance for growth. Responsibility is constantly shifted outward, so there is no opportunity for self-reflection or change. 
• The harm is minimized by saying things like “It wasn’t so bad,” or “You’re overreacting”. They may even try to gaslight you by making you feel like you are the issue. 
• Smaller conflicts escalate into larger ones because of their inability to resolve problems or take ownership. 

Why it can be a reason to break up:

Blame shifts focus away from problem-solving and instead prioritizes self-protection. There’s no effort made to protect the relationship, only yourself. There is no repair. It creates a power imbalance in which one person is consistently “the problem”.

The Impact on Your Self-Esteem and Self-Worth

Your relationship should not be harming your mental health. Love can be present, even when your wellbeing and sense of self is suffering. If this is the case, the relationship is doing more good than bad and it’s best to leave. You have to prioritize yourself. 

A relationship is usually worth ending if it is consistently hurting your mental health. This can look like the following:

Chronic Anxiety or Emotional Distress:

You feel on edge, worried, or emotionally exhausted more than you feel calm or supported. When you’re around your partner you often feel like you are walking on eggshells. Even thinking about the relationship brings on feelings of distress. 

Lack of Self-Esteem:

Since being in the relationship you doubt your worth, your abilities, even your perceptions. Your lowered self-seteem is a result of criticism, gaslighting, or constant comparison you receive. 

You Constantly Feel Down:

You feel depressed, hopeless, or emotionally disconnected since being in the relationship.

Isolation: 

Contact with friends and family has dwindled. You don’t engage in the activities you once enjoyed because of the relationship.

Stress-Related Physical Symptoms:

You experience headaches, stomach issues, problems sleeping, or appetite changes as a result of your relationship.

You Can’t Be Yourself:

You feel the need to mask who you really are because you don’t feel safe enough to reveal your authentic self. 

Your Growth is Stunted:

You’ve stop pursuing your goals, either because your confidence has tanked, your simply to emotionally drained from the relationship, or both.

The “Gut Feeling”: Trusting Your Intuition

A persistent feeling that something “isn’t right” shouldn’t be shrugged off. Your intuition might be your nervous system alarming you to the repeated negative patterns that have occurred in your relationship. Your gut may be trying to tell you something that your heart doesn’t want to acknowledge. 

Speaking With An Expert 

Whether it’s your gut or you recognize the signs, an experienced, neutral therapist, can help steer you in the right direction. The Couples Center offers both couples therapists for you and your partner, or individual therapists to help you navigate your feelings without them. Either way, you shouldn’t have to navigate such a heavy decision alone.