Happy New Year, friends! Every January carries a subtle invitation to begin again, though not always in the bright, fresh-start way we may imagine. For me, it feels like winter has only just begun. The days are still short, the landscape mostly grey, and there’s a long stretch ahead before warmth or bloom returns. As I step into this new year, I’m noticing my energy feels smaller than I’d like it to be, while the discomfort of change feels bigger.

I sense a quiet nudge toward health, not by doing less in life, but by carrying less as I live it. Less accumulation. Less emotional clutter. Less holding onto things, patterns, and what feels familiar, even when it no longer serves me. I’m learning that clutter isn’t always obvious; sometimes it looks like unfinished decisions, taking more than I need, or the familiar comfort I find in gathering and holding on.

Still, I’m longing to shift that comfort toward what actually sustains: deep relationships, presence, simplicity, and an appreciation for what I already possess. I’ve learned that wanting change and sustaining it are two very different things. If I’m honest, letting go sounds inspiring, until it asks me to actually let go. When discomfort looms large, it’s easy to retreat into old patterns. And yet, I feel an invitation to choose health anyway, even when courage feels small. Perhaps you sense it as well.

Today’s Question: I’ve read the Emotionally Destructive Relationship, I watch the YouTube videos and read the blog each week. And I feel God prompting me to make changes, like to have boundaries, to stop over-functioning, to stop saying yes when my heart is saying no. But I’m terrified of the conflict that might follow. How do I move toward healthy change when the fear of backlash feels bigger than my courage?

Susan’s Response: You’re not the only woman asking this question. I hear it often, and I’ve lived it as well. You read the books, you watch the teaching, you soak in truth, and you know God is inviting you toward healthier choices: setting boundaries, stepping out of over-functioning, telling the truth about what your heart can and cannot carry. And yet, fear rises. Fear of backlash, of being misunderstood, of starting conflict you aren’t sure you can handle, fear of losing the little stability you have, or of making things worse before they get better

If that’s where you’re sitting right now, let me say this gently: There is nothing wrong with you. You aren’t spiritually deficient or weak. You’re scared because your story has taught you to be. Fear of backlash is often fear of being harmed. Many women minimize this part. They say, “I’m just afraid of conflict.” But usually it’s more than that. Conflict itself isn’t dangerous, but conflict with a destructive, dismissive, or emotionally volatile person can

So when you imagine setting a small boundary and your stomach drops, that may be your body’s way of remembering previous fallout. The silent treatment. The anger. The cold withdrawal. The blame. The guilt trips. The spiritual pressure. The twisting of your words. Or even more serious forms of emotional or physical intimidation.

So let’s honor that. Fear is a signal, not a failure. Before you push yourself to be “braver,” pause and ask:

• What am I actually afraid will happen?
• Has this person historically escalated when I’ve expressed a need?
• What is the real risk to my emotional, spiritual, or physical safety?
• What support do I need before taking a step?

God never asks you to deny reality or to ignore danger. He asks you to walk in wisdom.

Proverbs reminds us: “The prudent see danger and take refuge” (Proverbs 22:3). Sometimes courage looks like pausing long enough to tell the truth about what is risky.

When fear has been your companion for a long time, you don’t suddenly leap into confidence. Courage grows in small honest steps. So, start small. Take the first tiny step with one moment of honesty. Recognize one boundary that simply tells the truth about your capacity. Allow yourself to pause before saying yes. Every small act of truth builds a little more courage. Every moment you honor your limits strengthens your internal voice. Every time you refuse to over-function, your body learns a new way of being.

We often underestimate what small steps can do over time. But the kingdom of God does not despise small beginnings (Zechariah 4:10). Small things grow. Quiet seeds become strong trees. Courage is no different.

One of the most misunderstood ideas in Christian spaces is that courage means not feeling afraid. But throughout Scripture, God speaks to His people in their fear, not after they’ve conquered it.

Think about Gideon. Hiding in a winepress. Terrified. God didn’t scold him. God named him “mighty warrior” while he was still trembling.

Think about Mary. Confused. Uncertain. God met her with reassurance: “Do not be afraid.”

Think about Jesus in the garden — sweating blood, overwhelmed, longing for another way.

Courage isn’t the absence of fear. Courage is remaining aligned with what is true and right even when fear is loud. In your story, courage may sound like a quiet “no.” Or a shaky truth spoken out loud. Or drawing a boundary that protects the image of God within you. Or asking for help. Or making a plan for safety. Or simply choosing to stop over-functioning in places where you’ve been carrying the whole weight of the relationship.

Let Yourself Grieve What Change Might Cost. Sometimes the fear isn’t just about conflict– it’s about loss. Loss of peace (even if it was a false peace). Loss of predictability. Loss of the fantasy that if you just do everything right, the other person will finally change. Naming those losses is part of choosing health. Grief doesn’t mean you’re going backward. It means you’re waking up. Courage doesn’t erase grief, it moves with it.

Fear multiplies in isolation. But courage grows when you’re supported. You need women around you who understand destructive patterns, who can help you think clearly, who can validate the reality of your situation, and who can help you keep your footing when things get confusing or scary. You were never meant to face backlash alone. Jesus sent His disciples out two by two for a reason. Strength is communal.

God is not standing with crossed arms, waiting for you to “be braver.” He is present with you in the fear, guiding you toward wisdom and truth step by step. Psalm 56:3 says, “When I am afraid, I put my trust in You.” Not if, but when.

You may not know the outcome of stepping toward health. You may not know how the other person will respond. But you can know this: God meets you in courage that feels too small.
He strengthens what is weak. He guards what you entrust to Him. He puts resources along your path. And He does not abandon women who choose truth.

If you’d like structured support as you take these steps, the Empowered to Change group coaching experience begins this January. It’s a compassionate, biblically grounded space to help you build courage, set wise boundaries, reduce over-functioning, and discern your next steps, especially if fear or backlash has kept you stuck. You don’t have to walk this road alone.

Be well!

Beloved reader, when you picture making a healthy change, what fear rises first, and what truth might meet it?