Morning friend,

It’s hard to believe. Christmas is next week. What is your biggest challenge showing up from your Noble self? Is it disappointment because you’re the one who makes “Christmas work” for everyone in your family but you don’t feel acknowledged or appreciated for all your hard work? Or are you alone this Christmas, miss your family or former family? Adult children or grandchildren aren’t coming and you’re not sure what you’re going to do?

Holidays can be hard, lonely, stressful, challenging, exhausting and they can be meaningful, lovely, special, reflective, giving, forgiving, and fun. Here’s the truth. You get to decide how you want your holiday to feel and you get to contribute and create the environment which will make that feeling more likely. So many of us live each day (including Christmas) defaulting to others or the circumstances of the moment. What if instead you decided, “I’d like to be with people on Christmas not alone. What do I need to do to make that more likely? Invite someone else who is alone to share with me? Volunteer at a homeless shelter? Nursing home?

Or, I don’t want to cook a big meal this Christmas for everyone. It stresses me out. I don’t want to feel exhausted and crabby. What might you need to plan for NOW, to make that more likely? Tell the truth about not wanting to cook a big meal and invite others to contribute? Think about a simpler menu? Head to Costco and pick up some large pans of lasagna and French bread and keep it easy? Remember, if you change your story from (I can’t or there’s nothing I can do – to what CAN I do to create more of what I want or less of what I don’t want, the story of Christmas 2025 can be different).

If this resonates with you, remember, our six-month group coaching program Empowered to Change starts in the new year. It will give you the skills, tools and support to nurture your Noble self and start to write a new chapter for your 2026 life story.

Question: I grew up in Christian home, but didn’t accept Jesus as my Lord & Savior until age 27. My ex-husband and I met each other in college. He accepted Jesus as his Lord & Savior a few months after I did at age 28. Our marriage problems started soon after this. I was a changed person, no longer desiring to party/act like a rebellious teenager. My ex-husband hasn’t made any life changes. I am 55 and he’s not 56. We have a son age 21 and a daughter 27. I felt like I was raising 3 children. My ex-husband wasn’t a spiritual leader. He has a porn and alcohol addiction. Also enjoys ungodly music, comedy, movies, He told me multiple times he had quit porn but that wasn’t true. I didn’t respect him and I grew distant from him. Resentful and bitter. We stayed together as roommates. He has bipolar and has been hospitalized multiple times over the years. I still love and care about him and I don’t want him to be homeless which would be likely due to his mental illness, alcoholism and frequent job loss.

I filed for divorce in November 2023. He never responded to the divorce papers served to him. I put off the divorce until November 2025 hoping he would change. Every time I had a glimpse of hope it turned out to be all talk no action. N change. I felt that I was enabling his immaturity and destructive behavior. Our divorce was finalized in November (Default divorce).

The divorce agreement is that we will stay in the same home until one of us decided to move out. Then we would sell the home and split the proceeds of the sale.

I have a home daycare (30 years) so I need the home for my business. Our home has 2 separate living areas due to the daycare only space.

My husband does an excellent job of home maintenance. He is very skilled at fixing anything and everything except our relationship. He tries to show me love through doing things for me (improving the home) which I do appreciate. He just doesn’t know how to hold onto my heart.

I feel that I am still enabling his poor choices by allowing him to live in the same home. I have gotten a new bank account so I’m not helping him by alcohol. I need to pay all the home and utility bills since they are tax-deductible for my day care business/self-employment. So, I guess that enables him financially to buy alcohol, porn.

In some ways I feel so guilty for finalizing the divorce. I wonder if I should remarry him as he wants to reconcile. We actually applied for a new marriage license and planned to get remarried in the next 60 days. He tells me he needs a submissive, respectful wife. He continues to tell me he doesn’t know what I want from him. I shouldn’t have to tell him….

I feel so conflicted and defeated not knowing if we should remarry so soon. He hasn’t changed at all. And if he hasn’t changed in the things I can see, I feel like he still is hiding porn as well. He doesn’t realize how much I detest ungodly comedy, music, porn, movies…

He pulls me away from God more than towards God. IF we were to remarry, we would be unequally yoked. I know God hates that I divorced him but that is done. If we remarry now, I feel I would be marrying a non-Christian. I am not interested in meeting anyone new. I will continue to pray that my husband will commit his heart and mind to Christ.

Do you have any advice for me?

Answer: Your question captures so many confusing feelings, thoughts and dilemmas that women in your shoes struggle with. And I see you’re tempted to default this important decision to what he wants. Please don’t.

I hear your heart. You still love your husband. You have compassion for his weaknesses, mental health problems and sins. Yet, you acknowledge that throughout your marriage you grew resentful and came to believe that you enabled his poor choices and unhealthy behaviors by you over-functioning and mitigating the consequences of his foolishness and sin.

I’m confused why you would consider remarriage a wise idea when nothing has changed. He’s still not working, he still is not following God, he still drinks, uses porn and is mentally unstable. Yes, he might be doing some home maintenance and repairs, which is helpful and does contribute to your home and keeping up its value. But nothing’s changed with him. What’s different about you? Guilt? Fear? Insecurity? Loneliness?

You mentioned that your husband told you he wants you to be a submissive and respectful wife. Can you do that with the way he is now? And, what do you want? You said, “He continues to tell me he doesn’t know what I want from him. I shouldn’t have to tell him”

What makes you think you shouldn’t have to tell him? He can’t read your mind. No husband could. It would be kinder to tell him before you remarry how much you detest ungodly comedy, music, porn, movies, irresponsible spending, etc. He’s told you what he wants in a wife. Isn’t it fair and kind to tell him what you want in a husband? And, is he willing or even capable of giving you what you want? Friend, guilt and fear are real feelings but terrible reasons to remarry.

I want to remind you that Unhealthy + Unhealthy = Toxic. You’ve already experienced many years of a toxic marriage. Why would you go back for another round of that? I don’t see that he’s any healthier as a person, nor interested in the things of God. How would this be a good choice?

I think that you would be best served by doing your own work right now to build a safe, sane, healthy life going forward and to figure out what’s going on inside of you that you are drawn to remarry when nothing has changed? You clearly said, “He pulls me away from God more than towards God. If we were to remarry, we would be unequally yoked.” You’re right. Therefore, what is your motivation for remarriage?

I’m going to take a guess. I could be wrong. Sometimes living in what we’re used to is less scary than figuring out a new life for ourselves. Your husband is used to leaning on you. He’s comfortable not having to take care of himself, or even consistently earn a living. In a similar way you’re “used to” taking care of him, over-functioning, being the hero and the rescuer of his messes. Even if the familiar is chaotic, crazy, destructive, and hurtful, we understand and know how to dance that dance. To stop. To be alone, meet new friends, to figure out financial matters on our own, to face our own loneliness, to change our own dance steps can feel overwhelming, scary and hard. Therefore, we often default to the familiar even when we know the familiar is toxic. And as Christians sometimes we try to tie a big spiritual bow on the top of all this mess and say God hates divorce so I need to reconcile.

My recommendation to you is postpone remarriage and do your own work. I’d highly encourage you to check out our six-month group coaching program that starts in January called Empowered to Change. It might give you the support and courage and buy you the time you need to keep moving forward in a healthy way instead of taking steps backward towards repeating your old patterns.

Friend, when you’ve been tempted to go back to a toxic person or relationship or even old unhealthy habits, what has helped you stay the course towards moving forward in a healthy way?