You and a coworker are working on a project together. She’s excited, you’re excited, plans are coming around, and things are looking up. That is, until she starts acting weird. Not committing to deadlines. Forgetting about assignments. Taking credit for your ideas. Establishing herself as the key contributor, even though she barely did anything.

Kelsey Gunning, MSW, a family support specialist, experienced this a couple of years ago—a classic case of someone not having your best interest at heart.

It’s hard to tell if a friend, lover, family member, or even coworker is rooting for you or looking out for themselves. Hidden motives, personal agendas, and blatant dishonesty make it hard to know who is for you or against you.

Signs Someone Has Your Best Interest at Heart

Okay, so your friend is always there for you. They come calling when you’re having a bad day. Need to celebrate? They’re there with a bottle of wine and a box of chocolates in hand. Do *any* of these actions mean they have your best interest at heart? Not necessarily.

“[It] can be challenging to discern if someone truly has your best interest at heart,” Gunning says. “Intentions can be obscured by external factors like personal agendas, social dynamics, or emotional manipulation.”

Figuring out where you stand with someone requires going beneath the surface—not relying only on what they say or do. Here are some traits or qualities you should consider:

• They listen to what you’re saying. “When there is a genuine connection, you actively listen to a person and hone in to better understand their feelings without interrupting or dismissing them,” explains David Campbell, DSW, LMFT, the clinical and program director at Recover. “This shows that you care and have respect for that person’s feelings and concerns.”
• They’re honest. It’s difficult to have a worthwhile relationship with someone you can’t trust. Lying can be a self-serving trait. And if this person is lying to help their cause, then they are not looking out for what benefits you. Furthermore, be aware of whether this person tries to manipulate you into agreeing with them or abandoning your desires for theirs.
• They act selflessly. When you spend time with this person, is it all about them, their interests, or what they want to do? Are their choices beneficial to them and lack consideration for you or your feelings?
• They offer consistent and unwavering support. Does this person promise to show up for you, but back out at the last minute or cancel unexpectedly? “This is a big one,” Dr. Campbell says. “People not only tell you they care but they show you in the way they show up for you. This sign demonstrates reliability and responsibility, indicating they prioritize your needs.”
• They respect your boundaries. This means they shouldn’t pressure you to do something that makes you uncomfortable or violates your beliefs. When your boundaries are respected, “[they] honor and respect your choices, showing that they value your autonomy and personal space,” says Gunning. They don’t have to agree with you, but they should *always* respect your decisions and want the best for you.

The Benefits of Having a Ride-Or-Die Friend

A relationship where you feel supported and valued benefits you mentally and emotionally. These friends:

• Help improve confidence: Your self-esteem and self-worth improve.
• Can make you more resilient: “Their encouragement and constructive feedback can help you better handle stress and adversity, fostering emotional strength and resilience,” Gunning notes.
• Can foster personal growth: “Genuine care often includes providing opportunities for growth and development, leading to continuous self-improvement and achieving personal goals,” Gunning says.
• Can make you feel more stable, and less anxious or depressed: You don’t have to question their intentions or be wary of their actions, waiting for them to betray you or the friendship. “When someone doesn’t have your best interest at heart, it can lead to a range of negative emotional responses, including anxiety, sadness, and anger,” Dr. Campbell states. “These feelings can create a sense of emotional instability, making it challenging to maintain healthy relationships. As such, being around such individuals can trigger stress responses, impacting your overall mental health.”

Why It’s Important to Have Friends Who Truly Care

Discerning whether someone really has your best interest at heart saves you a lot of pain in the long run (friendship breakups suck!). But it also helps you build better and longer-lasting friendships.

“When someone has your best interest at heart, they truly want the best for you,” Dr. Campell explains. “When making choices or giving advice, this person considers your needs, feelings, and general welfare. They put your success and happiness ahead of their own interests or hidden agendas, acting with compassion and love. In essence, it conveys an altruistic and sympathetic viewpoint toward you with no hidden agenda.”