Hello Friends, As the days get shorter and the pace of the year slows, November becomes a natural season for reflection. For some, that reflection leads to gratitude. For others, it brings up grief. And for many, especially those navigating emotionally challenging marriages, this time of year can stir a quiet ache, a deep awareness that something just isn’t working. You might find yourself asking hard questions about your connection, your emotional safety, and your future. And maybe you’re asking something like this, which came in from one of our readers:
This Weeks Question:
“How can a couple be healthy when one partner has such a high level of concern about so many things—self-care, life, community issues, others, energy, health, the world, outreach, productivity, personal growth, contributing—and the other partner has an extremely low level of concern about pretty much all of those things except keeping the roof over our heads? It leaves very little space to communicate or connect, much less grow. I see it creating great division.”
LeAnne’s Response:
Beloved reader, I want to begin by validating what you already see: yes, this does create division. You’re not being petty. You’re not overanalyzing. You’re not too intense or too sensitive. What you’re noticing is real, and it’s painful. You are living inside a relational disconnect that can’t be ignored, because the very things that make you feel alive—growth, contribution, emotional connection are either dismissed, devalued, or completely ignored by your partner. That’s lonely, confusing, and deeply discouraging. And it’s not how God designed intimacy to function.
What you’ve described isn’t just a difference in personality or preference, it’s a difference in engagement. You are emotionally and spiritually awake. You are tuned in to the world around you, to your own growth, to what matters in relationships. You’re paying attention. And when one person in a relationship is paying attention and the other is disengaged or disinterested, that isn’t neutral. Over time, it starts to feel like you’re living in two completely different emotional worlds.
You might be doing what so many women do in this situation, you try harder. You lower expectations. You carry the conversations, the spiritual temperature, the emotional connection, the parenting direction, the household rhythm, even the relationship with God. You do the reading, the praying, the self-reflection. You hope that if you stay kind, patient, and spiritually committed enough, things will shift. But here’s what I want to gently but clearly say: you cannot carry this alone. Marriage is meant to be a partnership, not a solo emotional performance. And no matter how spiritually mature you are, how long you’ve been married, or how many devotionals you read, God does not ask you to maintain connection in a relationship where the other person is not participating.
We see this wisdom reflected in Scripture. Amos 3:3 asks, “Can two walk together unless they are agreed?” That word agreed isn’t about agreeing on every opinion, it’s about alignment in direction. Are we walking in the same direction, even at different paces? If not, one of us is either dragging or being dragged. And over time, that isn’t just exhausting, it becomes emotionally harmful.
If your spouse is emotionally disengaged because of unresolved trauma or a lack of relational tools, and you see signs of willingness, humility, curiosity, a desire to grow—then there is hope to build something new together. But if you’re consistently met with apathy, defensiveness, deflection, or disinterest, that tells you something important: your spouse may not be unable, but is unwilling to engage. And that’s not something you can pray or perform your way out of.
This is where it’s vital to distinguish between a marriage that is difficult and one that is destructive. Difficult marriages involve stress, disappointment, and even seasons of disconnection, but both partners are still invested in growth and change. Destructive marriages, however, involve consistent patterns of disregard, indifference, control, and a refusal to own or repair emotional damage. If the pattern of emotional shutdown, lack of engagement, and resistance to growth has persisted for years without repentance or responsibility, it may not just be disappointing, it may be destructive.
Galatians 6:5 reminds us that “each one should carry their own load.” You are not responsible to do your spouse’s inner work. You’re not required to keep lowering your expectations in order to keep the peace. And you are allowed, biblically and relationally to tell the truth about what’s missing. In fact, Ephesians 4:15 says, “Speak the truth in love so that we may grow.” Truth-telling is not unkind. It’s the soil in which real growth happens.
If you’re realizing that you’ve been functioning for two, carrying all the weight of emotional labor, growth, insight, and repair then I want to lovingly invite you to pause. Stop overfunctioning. Start observing. Notice how your spouse responds when you stop initiating all the growth conversations. Watch what happens when you stop cushioning their comfort with your silence. Do they move toward you? Or do they remain comfortably distant?
This is where we return to your CORE, a concept we live by here. Living from your CORE means you stay anchored in truth, even when your spouse avoids his. It means you take responsibility for what’s yours- your voice, your values, your choices, and stop managing what isn’t yours to fix. It means you hold fast to integrity, even when it’s lonely. And it means you prioritize emotional and spiritual safety, not just physical survival. A healthy marriage requires two people willing to show up and grow. But a healthy you only requires one, and that person is you.
Friend, you are not called to self-abandon for the sake of marriage. You are called to walk in light. And that begins by acknowledging the truth about what your marriage has become. Sometimes the most faithful step you can take is not waiting passively, but responding wisely. That might mean setting a boundary, stepping away from overfunctioning, or seeking trusted counsel. Sometimes faith looks like taking action—not from bitterness, but from courage.
You don’t have to know the whole path right now. You just need to take the next right step. Maybe that’s getting quiet and listening for God’s voice. Maybe it’s journaling what’s true. Maybe it’s bringing your story into the light with someone safe. Whatever it is, God will meet you in the truth. And He walks with the woman who walks in light.
So let me ask you gently:
What are you carrying in this relationship that isn’t yours to carry?
Where are you pretending things are fine on the outside while you’re quietly unraveling on the inside?
And what would it look like to stop striving and start standing—in truth, in love, and in alignment with what God is already showing you?
You are not asking for too much. You are asking for mutuality. You are asking for partnership. And those are good and godly things. Keep walking in truth. Keep staying in your CORE. And remember, clarity is never the enemy of love. It’s often the beginning of healing.
What part of this post resonated most with your story? Where are you sensing God inviting you to tell the truth, either to yourself or in your relationship?
