Morning friend,
I’m heading to Portugal on Saturday for an art and leadership week. In art I will be practicing using my intuition to guide my painting. In leadership I will also be practicing some new skills and learnings. I’m excited and scared. (I think those feelings are the same feeling, depending on how you label them).
This is a long trip, traveling alone, transferring in London etc. I’ve done plenty of overseas mission’s trips in the past but I was younger then and things were simpler. I’d really appreciate your prayers for my safe arrival and return. My health. And that God would give me the lessons I need for my growth and leadership abilities. I’ll send pictures for next week’s blog.
Today’s Question: I am so grateful for the work you do to help women in such confusing relationships! Your collective guidance has helped me to grow stronger, healthier and clear-minded in Christ. One struggle I am facing lately, though, is wrestling with some doubt when I listen to the stories of other women who have been in “worse” situations than me.
I hear testimonies of women who have faced physical abuse or verbal abuse, or even emotional abuse that is much more overt and visible than what I am currently facing. My brain starts to tell me that divorcing is acceptable in those situations because it is CLEARLY abusive and damaging.
My husband is much more covert in his emotional abuse and is more emotionally unavailable, indifferent toward me and neglectful. He is meek, and playing the victim constantly is his preferred method of control. Because he isn’t angry or scary or visibly aggressive, it can be confusing.
There is definitely damage, I am not denying that, but I suppose because it isn’t so visible, I start to wonder if this is “bad enough” to warrant divorce.
And am I being selfish to want to break free? Can you speak to this specific struggle that I, and likely other ladies, are facing?
Answer: Thank you for your thoughtful question. I suspect that there are many women in your shoes. First, let me say that comparing your story to someone else’s story to decide whether your experience is valid or harmful isn’t a great strategy. Would you say to someone with a sprained ankle that her pain isn’t valid or serious because her ankle wasn’t broken like her neighbor’s ankle was? Or would someone with a broken ankle feel guilty for complaining about the pain because her leg wasn’t severed in the accident like the other driver’s was? No. Everyone’s story is unique to them. Pain is pain. And a sprained ankle needs to heal every bit as much as a severed leg.
Plus, we all have different capacities to deal with pain, trauma, rejection, verbal abuse, gaslighting, lying, and neglect depending on our history, our physical constitution, and the situation we experience and for how long.
Is emotional neglect less abusive, less damaging than physical abuse? Studies with children now show that neglect is one of the most damaging forms of abuse. Why? Because neglect says to a child you don’t matter enough for me to put any energy into caring for you, protecting you, or helping you live or grow in a safe, stable environment.
One of the promises made in a marriage ceremony is the promise to care. To prioritize the needs and even some of the wants of the beloved. When a spouse is habitually neglected, shamed for complaining or asking for basic needs to be met, or abandoned emotionally, physically, financially, sexually and spiritually it’s still called abuse, even if it’s less obvious to outsiders. And the impact on the victim is real.
The question you wrestle with is what kind of “abuse” is bad enough to justify or warrant divorce? The only one who can decide that is you. Some people will tell you that the Bible says no amount of adultery, abuse, or bad behavior ever justifies divorce. Others believe the Bible permits divorce for certain conditions namely, abuse, adultery and abandonment. And as you know, defining abuse is not always clear.
Therefore, before deciding whether to end your marriage, I’d encourage you to take a moment to reflect on something. You said he uses more “covert” methods of control, such as victim mindset, emotional unavailability, neglect, etc. I’d like you to notice how his strategy sucks you into being “controlled”. If you haven’t done so yet, this is your work to do right now, even before you decide whether divorce is right for you.
Otherwise, if you skip this important step, you can end the marriage, but you will still be vulnerable to other people who use this same strategy to control you. God tells us that we are not to be controlled by other people, including a spouse. (2 Corinthians 5:14; Galatians 1:10).
What might be possible if you got strong enough so that his covert strategies don’t work to control you anymore? You might discover a new you. One with more inner strength and God strength. And you might see some different things in him. For example, he may get more obviously angry when you are no longer easily controlled and become more aggressive. If that is what happens, now things become much clearer for you around the abuse and divorce question. Or an opposite reaction is that he may quietly admire the work you’re doing and become motivated to do some inner work of his own. You don’t know which direction, if any, he might choose, but I’d encourage you to not miss the work you need to do.
Remember, your work here isn’t simply to decide the divorce question. That’s important for sure. But it’s also looking at what’s happening to you inside. Your tendency to compare yourself to others to make decisions about the validity of your own experience. Your tendency to be controlled by your husband’s bad moods, sulking, victim mindset and emotional manipulation. If you can begin to see how this experience could be “for your good” then you can trust God to walk you through it without fear that you’re making a wrong step and come through it a stronger, healthier woman.
Friend, where do you notice that you invalidate your own experience if it’s not “as bad as” someone else’s? Are you able to recognize the internal lie that keeps you stuck?
