Hello LV&Co readers, December has a way of magnifying everything – our joy, our longing, and our pressure to “be good.” The holidays can pull on our urge to keep the peace, smooth the edges, make every one feel special, and hold it all together. Yet this season also invites us into deeper truth, shining light on the places we’ve felt lost or hidden. That’s why today’s question feels especially meaningful.

Today’s Question: “For so long I’ve defined myself by being a good wife and keeping the peace at home. But now that I’m trying to grow, I feel lost, like I don’t even know who I am anymore. How do I find myself again without feeling like I’m betraying everything I’ve worked for?”

Susan’s Response: Thank you for this question; many women will see themselves in it. We don’t talk often enough about what “good” really means. In whatever role you resonate with- wife, daughter, sister, friend- the word good often becomes a measuring stick we can never live up to.

Many women carry a story that says:
“A good wife keeps the peace.”
“A good Christian doesn’t challenge authority.”
“A good woman sacrifices herself.”
“A good girl goes along to get along.”

These phrases can feel noble because they’re cloaked in language like submission, serving, selflessness, or respect. But in unhealthy systems, they’re often twisted. They pressure women to silence themselves, tolerate what wounds them, and measure their worth by how much they give and how little they need.

If you’ve lived under this narrative for years, growth can feel like betrayal or even rebellion. But here’s the deeper truth: you may not be betraying anything God asked of you. You may simply be challenging distorted, worldly definitions of “good” that kept you from living in biblical truth.

These distortions likely started long before your wedding day. If you grew up as the “good girl”, the compliant one, the peacekeeper, the helper, then it makes perfect sense that personal growth now feels unsettling. For many women, being “good” meant:

• Don’t rock the boat.
• Don’t make anyone uncomfortable.
• Don’t confront.
• Don’t say no.
• Don’t need anything.

In many families and Christian communities, compliance is praised. Defiance, even healthy, righteous defiance, is often labeled as wrong.

The truth is, much of what Christian women were taught to call good is cultural, not biblical. Culture is not the Christian standard. Isaiah 5:20 reminds us: “Woe to those who call evil good and good evil.” What the world praises as good is often harmful. Obedience to God may even appear as defiance in a traditional sense, but it’s a holy kind of resistance.

Throughout Scripture, God’s people are called to resist distortions, unjust expectations, and false definitions of good. Living according to God’s design sometimes means challenging cultural or traditional ideas. This is not biblical rebellion; it’s faithfulness to God’s design.

So, when you begin to grow and challenge the old narrative, the one that told you to keep the peace at all costs in order to be “good”, you’re not betraying yourself or your faith. You may actually be living more faithfully than ever.

If your identity was built on compliance, growth can feel like losing yourself. But your identity is not in keeping the peace, being agreeable, or regulating someone else’s emotions. You haven’t lost yourself. Instead, you’ve outgrown a role based identity that was never meant to carry you.

Finding yourself again begins with remembering who God says you are, not who others need you to be. In Christ, you are beloved, chosen, empowered, and called to truth and courage. Your growth is not a betrayal of your past, it is alignment with your Creator and your future.

When you’ve been conditioned to meet everyone else’s needs, your own voice becomes faint.
Finding yourself again and rewriting your identity around being before doing looks like:

• Noticing what you feel instead of overriding it
• Naming what you value instead of hiding it
• Letting curiosity return where fear once lived
• Exploring desires, interests, longings, strengths
• Allowing your preferences, boundaries, and convictions to matter again

Ask reflective questions like:

• What makes me come alive?
• What drains my soul?
• Who am I in Christ when no one is requiring anything from me?
• What have I always wanted but talked myself out of?
• Who am I becoming as I step into truth and courage?

Compliance can keep dysfunction intact and relationships superficial. Saying no is not mean. Setting boundaries is not unloving. Speaking truth is not disrespectful. And choosing health is not selfish. When you begin to honor your voice, your worth, and the Holy Spirit’s work in you, it may feel like betrayal, but it’s actually freedom. All loving relationships need freedom in order to thrive.

You can find yourself again by challenging the old story and choosing a new one that aligns with truth. If this is resonating with you, join LV&Co on December 4th for a special workshop entitled, Change Your Story, Change Your Life: Moving from Breakdown to Breakthrough.

Get more information and register for this free workshop at https://leslievernick.com/joinworkshop.

Be Well!

Beloved reader, How have you experienced the tension between “being good” and being true. What helped you navigate that tension?