Hello friends! November is a month of gatherings, warm lights in chilly evenings, community events, and holiday traditions beginning to stir. Yet for some, especially those navigating emotionally painful relationships, this season of togetherness can feel more isolating than ever.

Even as others make plans to gather and celebrate, you may be carrying a private grief, disappointment, or silence that no one else sees. If this season feels heavier than joyful, take heart. God’s love doesn’t overlook those quiet struggles. He draws near to them.

I want to encourage you to pause and notice what’s stirring in your heart this month. Maybe you’re longing for connection, yet also craving peace and distance from what’s been hurtful. These mixed emotions are not a sign of weakness; they’re an invitation to seek God’s wisdom in how you move forward.

Today’s Question: “When detaching from a lonely, emotionally abusive marriage, should I go to church and other functions with him? I feel so alone and dismissed. Almost ignored when I am with him. It’s painful.”

Susan‘s Response: It is painful to be ignored or dismissed, especially by someone who vowed to love you. You are not alone; I know many women have felt the pain of loneliness within marriage. As we move into a season filled with invitations and gatherings, I understand how difficult it can be to decide what to do and what to say when others don’t see your daily reality. I will share some things to consider, however there isn’t one right answer.

You asked, “should I go to church and other functions with him?” I want to invite you to pause and consider where your word, “should” is coming from. Oftentimes, women in emotionally abusive relationships feel trapped, not just physically but mentally and spiritually as well. They might believe that they are supposed to keep going to church and other events with their spouse out of obligation, appearances, or fear of judgment.

If you can allow yourself to get curious, what is best for your emotional and spiritual wellbeing? Give yourself permission to opt out of appearance for the sake of gaining some emotional clarity. It’s ok to ask, “What do I need today?” rather than, “What will make things easiest for him or most acceptable to others?”

Emotional abuse works to condition and oppress a person into believing they don’t have choices or they are not capable enough to make wise decisions. An important part of your growth and healing is to reclaim your right to choose and to recognize your needs and limits as valid.

Boundaries are vital to developing a strong sense of self and recovering from emotional abuse. Yet they are especially hard to hold when in shared spaces with the destructive person. It can be deeply painful to sit beside someone and still feel utterly alone. Remind yourself that you have options depending on the circumstances and what you need. You could choose not to travel together. You could decide to sit separately at functions. You could decide to leave early if you are not emotionally safe. Boundaries are not about right and wrong or revenge and punishment; they are about making space for emotional safety, clarity, and dignity.

You are not unkind for holding boundaries or creating space for yourself. External boundaries are helpful but internal boundaries matter as well. You can decide not to allow others’ thoughts and opinions to dominate your experiences. You can remind yourself of your value and worth even when others don’t treat you with respect. You can take responsibility for your internal peace by protecting your heart from negative influences and perceptions. You can guard your heart above all else, knowing that everything you do flows from it. (Proverbs 4:23) You can create a life that is God honoring and satisfying.

Proximity isn’t always the solution to the ache of loneliness. Loneliness while in the presence of someone who has vowed to love and cherish you is different and sometimes sharper than the loneliness that comes from being physically alone. There is a difference between solitude (which is healing) and emotional neglect (which is wounding). Human beings were created for connection. Your heart and body both tell you that spiritual truth.

Ecclesiastes 4:9–10 says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.” We were created to support, strengthen, and lift each other up. When it is healthy, relational connection helps us thrive.

“Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.” -1 John 4:11 & 12. God’s love finds completion in our relationships with one another. When love is God honoring, connection becomes not just emotional but spiritual.

Since relational connection is essential to your wellbeing, I invite you to get curious about who might be a source of support in your life right now. Who could you reach out to for shared activities, a meal, or a heartfelt conversation? Even if you don’t have a spouse who connects with you, you can still nurture other safe, meaningful relationships that bring warmth and stability to your heart.

So to further address your question, let’s get practical. When deciding to attend church or another event with your spouse, ask yourself some questions:

• Am I hoping to be seen by others as “keeping it together”?
• Am I trying to avoid conflict at home?
• Do I actually want to attend for my own growth, community, or worship?
• Will going together leave me feeling stronger or more depleted?
• Would going to a different church service or with a trusted friend be more of what I need right now?

There’s no perfect answer. You may choose one way this week and another next week. That’s okay. What matters is that you are making the choice intentionally, from a place of self-awareness, not obligation or fear.

At the end of the day, this isn’t just about going to church or attending functions. It’s about giving yourself permission to protect your heart. The reality is, some people won’t understand. You might grieve the loss of shared routines. You may even feel uncertain at times. But you are not wrong for choosing peace.

Jesus said in John 14:27, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” He gives peace that isn’t dependent on appearances or social expectations. It’s peace that meets you in your real pain and holds space for your real healing.

Be well!

Beloved reader, Have you ever felt lonelier in someone’s presence than you do in their absence? What helped you decide when to show up together and when to choose your own path? Share your thoughts below. Your voice may offer comfort to someone else who needs it.