Hello Friends! October has arrived, with its golden leaves and crisp air, reminding us that change is not only natural but at times necessary. The harvest season paints a picture of both beauty and release, as trees let go of what can no longer serve them and bountiful harvests make way for next year’s fertile soil. For many Christian women in destructive marriages, this season can mirror the quiet stirring of questions long buried: What kind of love does God truly want for me? As we watch nature shed what’s dying to make room for what is coming, I invite you to reflect on the kind of love you have accepted and whether it aligns with the heart of the God, who calls each of us beloved.
Today’s Question: The family I grew up in was rather cold and distant. It wasn’t abusive but it was lonely and empty for me as a child. Now I have been married for almost 25 years to my high school sweetheart. I have never been in a relationship with another man. I find myself feeling lonely, sad, and empty in this relationship. He can be harsh, selfish and angry at times but he isn’t abusive. We don’t have much emotional connection and sex is just okay. But I find myself sad afterwards and not really wanting to be with him again but I know I have to. I wonder if this is just what love is like or am I missing out on something? What kind of love does God expect me to accept and what does He want better for me?
Susan’s Response: Like the reader who submitted this question, I have wondered, “Is this what love is supposed to feel like?” If you are reading this, perhaps you have had the same question. Many Christian women have been taught that enduring emotional pain is their spiritual duty. That teaching is not biblical; it’s cultural, and it can be harmful.
Does God call you to accept a relationship fraught with harshness, selfishness, and anger? If these are patterns of behavior in your relationship, abuse may be more present than you realize or want to admit. Somewhere along the way, many Christian women were told that “real love” means always staying, always forgiving, always sacrificing no matter what. Or to be a godly woman is to endure mistreatment quietly, to keep giving without boundaries, and to submit even when submission becomes self-erasure. The truth is, God’s love does not require you to be minimized. Yes, there is more to godly love!
Marriage characterized by actions that are harsh, selfish and fueled by anger, is not marriage the way God intended. For the sake of clarity, here are some other dynamics that are not part of a loving relationship: Manipulation or using guilt, confusion, or spiritual language to control you. Fear that causes you to walk on eggshells because you’re afraid of your spouse’s reactions. Control which can show itself through being isolated, surveilled, or restricted. Emotional neglect or having your needs dismissed and your feelings minimized. Gaslighting which is the denial of truth or your reality. None of these things reflect the heart of Christ. This is not the “bearing all things” kind of love Paul wrote about. This is not what submission means. And this is not how a child of God is meant to be treated.
Oftentimes, emotional neglect can also seep into the physical and sexual relationship, leaving women feeling unseen and used, even if they can’t name why. Let’s talk about that.The belief that you have to have sex causes damage to you and your sex life. Where does this belief come from? Are you not allowed to say no to sex when it only adds to feelings of loneliness, sadness, and emptiness? If so, your voice and freedom are being taken from you. Is there something that would help create a better sexual experience for you? How could you invite your partner into that change in a kind and respectful way? If sex is not mutually intimate and pleasurable, there is cause for concern and attending to that should not be avoided or dismissed.
We discern what love really looks like when it reflects God’s character. Scripture is full of wisdom about Godly love and gives examples of how Jesus showed love to all kinds of people. The following are a few of the verses that speak on Godly love but often get twisted to be oppressive. I Corinthians 13:4-5 tells us that love does not make demands at the expense of another. Love doesn’t revolve around one person’s needs, power, or preferences while ignoring or depleting the other. It gives without controlling, serves without demanding repayment, and considers the wellbeing of self and others. God’s love is patient and kind.
While Godly love is sacrificial, it is not self-destroying. John 15:13 says, “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” Laying down your life does not mean erasing your purpose for the sake of another person’s selfish, sinful desires as it is about voluntary, life giving selflessness. It is love that gives freely for the good of others, not love that is demanded, taken, or used as a weapon to keep someone trapped. True sacrifice is rooted in agency and choice.
Godly love honors and lifts others up, as stated in Romans 12:10. In healthy relationships, both partners are honored. No one is diminished, dismissed, silenced or dehumanized. Real love does not require someone to erase themselves in order to placate another.
Godly love invites freedom. Healthy love sets us free from fear, shame, and bondage. If the relationship you are in leads you to feel trapped, small, or spiritually crushed, it is not reflecting the freedom Christ died to give you and is mentioned in Galatians 5:1. “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.”
Most notable is, Godly love reflects the heart of Christ. John 13:34 says, “As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” Jesus loved by weeping with the hurting, creating restoration, protecting the vulnerable, and walking in truth, even calling out the proud at times. Jesus’s love is a gentle invitation into a healing relationship.
It is not clear in the information given if you have attempted to communicate to your spouse your experience. It’s okay to ask for the change in the relationship you want and need. By the tone of your question, I suspect you may not even know what that is. I encourage you to continue to gain awareness of your needs and clarity about your situation.
If this information resonates with you, know that you don’t have to figure this out alone. Speaking with a coach, counselor or support group can offer clarity and hope. God never intended for you to bear this silently. I invite you to join LV&Co on October 7th for a free webinar on the topic, “Is he changing or just pretending? How do you know?” Register here to be a part of that opportunity. You will gain more insight into what a healthy, loving relationship could look like.
Godly love is not a license to mistreat, control, or neglect. It is a holy, healing, honoring force that mirrors the way Jesus loved. If you’re in a relationship where love looks like fear, silence, or confusion, know this: God never asked you to stay in something that’s crushing your soul in His name. He invites you into love that protects, restores, and makes you whole, just like Jesus does.
May the God who sees you, loves you, and calls you by name lead you into peace, clarity, and healing. You are His beloved.
Be Well!
Beloved reader, have you experienced harm that was disguised as love? What has God’s love taught you about how you deserve to be treated by those closest to you?
