Morning friend,

It’s hard to believe that we are rounding the corner toward the holiday season. What are your biggest challenges in being able to center yourself on gratitude, while in the midst of hard? Three years ago, I began a gratitude practice. Each day, I write down ten things I am grateful for. Sometimes they are the same things, like my health, sunshine, but this practice invites me to “look for, remember, or focus on” what is good even while in the hard things of life. I believe that “God gives us everything we need for life and godliness” (2 Peter 1:3). Therefore, if you’re in a season of hard, what is it that you “need” to remember, learn, change, do, or know, to become more and more like Him? Can you be grateful for those lessons?

Question: My husband and I went through separation about 4 years ago. I made the decision to separate through reading your book The Emotionally Destructive Marriage. We got back together after two years of therapy but as of this year, the patterns of behavior have returned. And I feel as though we are back to where we were when we separated. How do I go about figuring out what to do next? If I stay, how do I stay knowing that this might be my life?

Answer: I’m sorry to hear that, but I’m not surprised. Change is hard. Maintaining that change over time is also hard. We are creatures of habit and can easily slip back into old ways if we are not vigilant over ourselves.

If you had a chance to watch the recent webinar I gave on “How Do I Know If He’s Really Changing, or Just Pretending?”, you would have seen this chart.

To make a permanent shift in your marriage dynamics, both of you will need to make changes. You say your old marital history has returned. You weren’t specific about what that was but let me ask you this. When you noticed his old patterns return, what did you do? Were you able to speak up and say, “Hmmm this used to happen in our marriage before and that’s why we went to counseling. I’m not willing to do this again (whatever “this” is.).

For example, let’s say drinking to excess was a problem, or verbal battering. And you see it starting up again. It would be important for you to have some boundaries for yourself around what you will live with and what you won’t live with now. Have you done that work for yourself

Let’s say, old history is that he drank heavily and became verbally abusive and scary. You have decided you are not willing to do that dance with him anymore. (Your boundary). Have you said something like, “I notice you’ve been having some wine after dinner recently. That caused a lot of problems in our marriage several years back. I’m not willing to go through that anymore. I thought you were committed to sobriety.” And then wait and notice how he responds to your feedback.

Here’s another example. Let’s say old history was he was deceitful about finances and now you’ve noticed some new charges that were never mutually decided on your credit card. What happens when you bring this up? Does he hear you? Value your concerns and the impact of this old history on your relationship? Or does he belittle you, gaslight you, ignore you, lie to you or attack you?

His response to your “noticing and giving him feedback” (see old history/new history slide above) is important. It gives you information on your next step forward. For example, does he hear you? Value you as his helpmate? Is he honest with his slip into old history? Does he have that self-awareness and show he doesn’t want to repeat his old history? Good, that’s some new history. Now what is his next move to not repeat what just happened? Or, when you talk with him about what patterns you notice creeping back up, you find he’s defensive, guarded, belligerent, shaming, attacking, deflecting, and unwilling to “see” what you see?

If he agrees with you that he’s slipped back a bit, then what is his next step forward to get back on track? Is he willing to do that work? If he refuses to “see” or admit he’s slipped, then what’s your next step? Obviously, the progress in your marriage has now halted, and you see things are going backward. What impact will that have on you and any children living at home?

In your question, you did not specify what kind of issues were destructive and the impact those issues have on you or your children. Since your question was, “If I say….how do I stay knowing this will be my life?”, it seems to me that you are considering staying well while he’s slipping back into old history.

Let me briefly outline what that looks like:

1. Staying well does not mean you continue to “work” on the marriage. You work on you and release him to be exactly who he wants to be. Part of that work of yours is to detach from “NEEDING” him to be any different than he is. Can you do that and live safely?

In other words, if he has a history of being physically dangerous, or his words crush your spirit, he disregards your “no” or is financially unreliable, dishonest, or unwilling to give you access to the accounts, staying “well” is not possible. Proverbs reminds you that it is better to live a peaceful life alone, than a continually contentious life together (Proverbs 21:9; 25:24).

2. Staying well means that you emotionally accept (without resentment) that you have an empty or dead marriage relationship. But your marriage no longer defines your “life”. I hope you understand that you can choose to live your life fully and abundantly even when you don’t have a good marriage. (Abigail presents a good example of this. 1 Samuel 25). Staying well means you start prioritizing spending time with your female friends. You invest yourself in meaningful work or ministry. You use your gifts and abilities serving and finding purpose for yourself instead of trying to change him. You are doing things with people. You are not “waiting” for him to wake up and change so you can have a life together. Instead, you take responsibility for making your present life as joyful, meaningful, and fun as possible even if your marriage with your spouse isn’t. That does not mean you ignore him or stop sharing some mutual moments of caring or responsibility where safely possible. It just means you don’t wait for him to change to live your own life.

For some women, especially those whose husband may be more indifferent, neglectful or passive, staying well can be a good option. There may be benefits for both of you to stay legally married even if you don’t have a good relationship as long as it doesn’t feel like a war zone. Shared household and living responsibilities, health insurance, retirement savings, home ownership, grandchildren, sharing holidays with family together are all important values to consider when deciding what your next right steps forward might be.

Whatever you decide, I’d encourage you to continue to do your own work to clarify for yourself what you want, what you don’t want, what you will tolerate, what you won’t tolerate, what you can live with, and what you can’t live with. It’s important for you to grow strong enough to speak your truth in love about those things with him. Then see what he does. As you take your steps forward in faith and love vs fear and resentment, God will continue to show you the next step and then the next one. You don’t have to live afraid, just step by step, moment by moment trusting the one who loves you best.

Friend: If you’ve learned to stay well, share what you’ve done to let go of the resentment, and build a meaningful life.