Morning friend,

We had an amazing turn out for our webinar, Is He Really Changing or Just Pretending? I hope you downloaded your workbook and have been thinking about the questions I provided to help you discern change from pretense. We opened our doors to CONQUER, and they will remain open until Friday, October 17. If CONQUER is something you’ve been waiting for, today is the day. To learn more about CONQUER click here.

Today’s Question: How do I know if I am making the right decision to divorce? I get that we can trust God to redirect us if we make a “wrong” decision, but when it comes to choosing to divorce, that seems pretty final.

I have sought years of counsel. My husband and I were in therapy for years together, and I have not seen my husband change in the ways I need him to. I have prayed for the last year as I’ve taken steps toward divorce for God to show me if this is not what I am to do. I get the sense that I am still supposed to walk forward in this. But it gets complicated when I think about my husband’s fragile physical health, the conservative beliefs I grew up with that divorce is never an option, and the part of me that made vows to him and never thought this would be my reality.

I think I am sad and I am scared for the unknown future. Any help that you can provide to give me guidance on how to approach making this decision, how I can view myself when making this decision and how God might view me with this decision is appreciated.

Answer: Dear one, deciding whether to end your marriage is never easy. If you choose to stay married because you feel scared of the unknown, you will second-guess yourself when you experience hard. If you choose to divorce, you will second-guess yourself when you experience hard and wonder if you made the right choice. Your confusion and fear of how God might view you, is concerning.

You did not provide any details as to what was going on in your counseling, your marriage, your husband’s unwillingness to change, or his fragile health issues. I’m sure that history is all relevant for making your next right next steps forward.

Underneath your fear of making the decision around divorce, it seems that your biggest struggle is the unknown. The truth is you can’t know the future. But as you grow more awake to life’s uncertainties you also are more tempted to fear. The good news is Jesus already knew that would happen to you. That’s why he calls us to abide in his peace (John 14:27). To remain in his love (John 15:9). To not worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow has enough problems of its own (Matthew 6:34). Only God knows the future, as human beings, we do not.

You asked how you might change the way you view yourself and/or God as you fear this next chapter of your life story, and the decision it entails.

First, ask yourself, “What might this decision regarding the ending of your marriage have to teach you about you?” Take a breath and reflect.

Without knowing you personally or anything more than what you shared, one thing you might learn is to humbly accept your humanity. God knows you don’t know everything. He doesn’t expect you to make perfect decisions. How could you? You’re a limited, fallible human being. That’s why he calls you to trust in him and not lean on your own understanding (Proverbs 3:5,6). This applies not only in your attempts at making a good decision, but also in making meaning, finding value and purpose in places that may seem like “wrong” decisions (Romans 8:28). If it’s true that God uses all things for your good, you don’t need to live afraid of mistakes.

Below are two verses that bring me peace when I’m feeling that uncertainty of not knowing which path to take.

Psalm 32:8 “I will instruct you and guide you in the way you should go. I will counsel you with my eye upon you.” If that’s true, then why worry? The outcome is God’s responsibility. Our responsibility is to trust God. Walk in faith. Move forward in what we sense he’s telling us and if we’re going the wrong direction, God will show us. No shame, no pressure. No “Have to get it right or God will be mad”. What would lighten up inside your heart if you believed that?

Proverbs 20:24 “The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way?” I love this promise because life doesn’t make sense sometimes. We think we make the right decision, and then everything blows up. It looks wrong or bad, but what if it’s right or good? How would we know? We don’t. Only God sees the whole picture from eternity’s lens.

There are many stories in Scripture where God’s servant was told to do something, and it didn’t turn out the way they thought it would. For example, God tells Ezekiel to go speak God’s truth, and the people do not listen. (Ezekiel can’t control the outcome), but God said to do it anyway (Ezekiel 3:4-9). And in another story, Elijah did exactly what God said to do, and Ahab and Jezebel did not repent as Elijah had thought they would. Instead, they tried to kill him (see 1 Kings 19). Please understand. Having a certain outcome is no guarantee of being in God’s will.

Second, what might this dilemma teach you about who God is? Friend, God loves you. As his daughter, he promises that he lives in you. He will never leave you. Daily he walks with you and there is no condemnation when you are in Christ (Romans 8:1). Even if you turn left when he wanted you to turn right, as a good Father, don’t you think he will show you?

When you can trust that, then the reality of “perfect love casts out fear” comes home in to live in your innermost heart. God doesn’t want you to live in worry or fear. You don’t need to angst about making the wrong decision because God is walking right next to you, he is in you, and he tells you that everything turns out for your good because he is your Father. You don’t need to live afraid.

What would feel different inside if you knew that with confidence? The disciple John said, “I have come to know and rely on the love that God has for me” (1 John 4:16). Even though John identified himself as the disciple that Jesus loved, he had to come to know God’s love beyond his theology (head), and more in his biology (heart). How about you? Even if you turn left and God wants you to turn right, do you KNOW that he will direct your steps forward because he loves you and you are his daughter? You do not need to live in fear of disappointing God or making the wrong decision if you are walking with Him.

So friend, I hope you see that whatever choice you make during this season God wants you to learn to live in his love and security, not in fear. Your next right step is to learn to listen and trust him, to live in His love and approval, not in your husband’s rebuke, or other people’s disapproval or disappointment of the decisions you make.

Friend, how do you navigate the reality of choosing when the outcome is uncertain?