Morning friend,
I returned safe and sound from Portugal. Thank you for your prayers. As we enter a season of Thanksgiving, I want to remind you of an important verse. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 says, “Give thanks IN all things.” This is a hard discipline to practice. Notice it doesn’t say give thanks FOR all things. That would be impossible. But IN the hard, we can train ourselves to look for things to be grateful for.
Traveling to Portugal, I hurt my back carrying a heavy backpack that I’m probably too old to carry around like I used to. All week I was in pain and couldn’t take the pain relievers people offered because of another medication I was on. I was begging God for some relief on my way to the airport to return home. A 9-hour flight was something I wasn’t sure I could peacefully sit through with the pain in my back. As I was praying, right before my boarding gate, there was an airport pharmacy. I ran in and asked the pharmacist for some medication that would not be contraindicated with the meds I was currently taking. He suggested some type of aspirin plus a pain patch. Miracles happened. A pain-free trip home. I wasn’t thankful FOR the pain in my back. But I was thankful that in my pain, God answered my specific prayer for some temporary relief. This may sound minor, but sometimes it is the little things, Isaiah (45:3) calls them “treasures in darkness” that we must look for to be thankful IN all things. Practice it this week. Notice how it shifts your perspective and perhaps even your mood.
Today’s Question:
I’ve made serious mistakes in my marriage that I take full responsibility for. Over the past 13 years, I have caused my wife deep hurt through patterns of anger, neglect, and abuse, even though I didn’t fully understand the impact of my actions until I found your site.
We have six children. I have moved out of our home, but I try to support the family in every way I can – caring for the kids, managing bills, sometimes helping around the house, and striving to love her unconditionally, like Christ loves the church, something I’ve never truly done before. There have been several separations between us, but each time, I only addressed the immediate problems and not the deeper, underlying issues.
Most recently, I crossed a boundary related to alcohol and my sobriety. I had been sober for a year and a half but had one drink. While it was only once, it was still a violation of the boundary she had clearly set, one that she said would mean divorce if crossed, and it caused another separation. I am committed to repentance and change. I’m actively working to correct my behavior through personal growth, prayer, and accountability. I’ve involved my church and shared with them the Chris Moles coaching program (https://www.chrismoles.org/coaching-with-chris) to help me stay accountable and transform my patterns.
My question is this: How can I help my wife heal after all these years, given the abuse, repeated separations, and long history of manipulation, control, and neglect? She has pulled away from the church because she felt they sided with me when I spoke with my pastor, which was never the case. I want to support her in her healing, but I don’t want to pressure her or make it about my relief. I want her to feel truly seen, safe, and valued.
Answer: Thank you for your important question. I’m grateful that you don’t want to pressure your wife or make her healing about your relief, because sometimes that’s exactly what happens. We want someone to heal because their pain makes us uncomfortable or keeps us in a tough spot. We want our spouse to forgive because perhaps her anger hinders reconciliation or keeps you from living with your kids in your own home. Let me suggest some steps for you to ponder and hopefully practice.
First, her healing is about her healing and not your marriage or your feelings. She gets to choose how that happens and who, if anyone, is invited to help her. You said you want her to feel truly seen, safe, and valued. The most important ingredient to achieve those desires is for you to listen to and honor her “no”.
For example. No, she doesn’t want your help. No, she doesn’t want to reconcile. No, she doesn’t want to talk with you or listen to you right now. Despite your strong desire to help her, she may not want your help. Can you honor that? You said that there are long-standing periods of manipulation, control, and neglect. Why would she trust that anything would be different now? To allow someone to help us heal, we must be able to trust that person to not cause more harm. Right now, she cannot trust you. Your next right next step is to continue doing your own work so that you become someone she might choose to trust in the future.
Second, saving your marriage is not THE MOST IMPORTANT THING right now. It’s doing your own work and giving your wife plenty of space and time to do hers. You’ve had these destructive patterns in your character affecting your marriage for 13 years. Just because you’ve had a gigantic wake-up call doesn’t mean these patterns are gone or easily changed. Be grateful that God has woken you up, but you still have quite a bit of work to do to become a man you (and she) can be proud of. One thing you can do is to ask your wife what she needs from you right now? She might not need you to “see her” but she might need you to be consistent at working hard, paying the bills, and taking care of the kids when it’s your turn. Or she might need you to leave her alone for a season. Whatever she says she needs from you, do it to the best of your ability. If you fail, own it, don’t lie, don’t blame, don’t hide. That is the first new pattern she needs to “see” you do consistently over time. Listen and honor what she tells you.
Third, define for yourself your core values and the kind of man you most want to become. God is inviting you into repentance and that means change in a big way. What kind of character traits do you most want to embody? When the apostle Paul tells you to put off your former self, with its deceitful desires (Ephesians 4) and to put on your new self, this is the process of repentance. Of becoming more Christ-like in your character. Repentance is not just a once and done moment, but an ongoing turning from unhealthy, ungodly, sinful thoughts, patterns and actions toward godly thoughts, patterns, and actions. If you are focused on “healing” your wife’s heart or winning her back, you will get distracted and discouraged from your main task.
Last, you said you attend a good church so get more deeply connected with a godly group of men for peer support. We become like the people we most hang with. I hope you are getting good counseling, but that is not enough. You need accountability and men around you who you can learn from as well as do things with. Your wife is not available as a partner right now so you need healthy, godly men who can help you navigate your temptations, loneliness and disappointments when things don’t go as you’d like. You need to learn to pay attention to your SIDS (seemingly insignificant decisions), which look innocent enough on the surface, but may lead you toward temptation or relapse.
Eugene Peterson wrote, “Repentance is a long obedience in the same direction.”
From what you said, that is your heart, but heart and practice aren’t the same thing. Practice being and becoming the man God created you to become. That is your most important work to do. Your children will notice. Your wife will notice. Whether or not your marriage can ever be reconciled fully is not your concern right now. It’s your relationship with God. Focus there and he will show you your next right steps forward (Psalm 32:8).
Friend, if your husband was asking this question, “How can I help you heal?”, what would you say?
