I’ve been married to my partner for 23 years, and we’ve been a couple for even longer. We met in high school, when we were both 14 years old (yes, basically babies!). Suffice it to say, we are definitely not the same people we were when we first met. And that’s a good thing. It would be strange if we hadn’t changed and evolved in all these years. But beyond that, the fact that my husband isn’t the same person I fell in love with has made our relationship that much deeper and satisfying.

Still, realizing that your partner is different from how they used to be can be jarring, especially if this realization feels like it comes out of nowhere. Moreover, there are certain types of changes that many people find much less desirable, and may even be relationship deal-breakers.

The topic of “My partner isn’t the same person I fell in love with” can be complicated and nuanced, for sure. That’s why I caught up with two licensed therapists to sort out what to do if you realize that your partner has changed. How do you process it? What can you do if this change feels problematic? We’ll answer these questions and more.

Why This Might Happen

There are so many reasons why a person might not be the same person you fell in love with, and it’s not just because they have grown and matured as time has passed.

“It’s completely normal to feel like your partner—or even you—have grown into different versions of yourself over time,” says Alyssa Petersel, LCSW, and CEO and founder of MyWellbeing. “Relationships, like individuals, evolve.”

Some factors that may influence these changes include:

• Entering a new life phase
• Aging
• Personal growth or development
• Financial states
• Caring for older parents
• Career changes
• Changes in family dynamics (like having kids, changes with extended family members)
• Grief
• Joy
• Life challenges or life-changing events

How Stressors Impact Relationships

Additionally, certain stressors—like parenting, financial pressure, illness, or trauma—can impact how quickly these changes occur and the depth of the changes. “Sometimes, what once bonded us—shared goals, routines, or roles—no longer align as those aspects shift,” Petersel describes.

Also, says Petersel, “it’s important to keep in mind that feeling a disconnect doesn’t necessarily mean something is ‘wrong.’” Instead, these factors may be signs that the relationship is “inviting deeper reflection, adaptation, and communication,” Petersel describes.

When life stressors happen, our nervous systems shift into protection mode, says Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC, a therapist based in Los Angeles who specializes in anxiety, trauma, and attachment. “Some people shut down, others get more anxious or try harder to keep the connection,” she explains. “If both people are doing that in different ways, they can start to feel far apart emotionally.”

This doesn’t mean that your partner doesn’t care or isn’t thinking about you; it’s just that you are both trying to feel safe, but in different ways. “If no one talks about [it] or notices what’s happening, the distance grows,” Groskopf describes. “This is actually pretty common and doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong with the relationship—it just means the connection needs to be repaired and nurtured.”

If partners don’t understand how or why it’s important to talk about their different reactions to a stressful situation, it can lead to misunderstandings or a lack of communication. This may create or widen emotional distance between them.

Identifying the Core Issues

Identifying the changes you’re seeing in your partners and reflecting on them is key to understanding what’s going on in your relationship and figuring out your next steps.

Often, the changes you see may signs of natural growth and evolution. Reflecting on our partner’s changes can lead to increased understanding and communication. When possible, it’s great to celebrate the ways you and your partner are learning and growing, says Petersel. But it’s also vital to reflect on whether these changes in your partner and your relationship are continuing to work for you and meet your emotional needs.

“The key is to reflect on, understand, and communicate about how the changes are impacting each of you individually and as a couple, to communicate your needs as they are evolving and work together to continue to ensure that both of your needs are met, even and especially when that calls for compromise from both of you,” Petersel.

“Sometimes people change little things—like hobbies or routines—and that’s completely normal,” says Groskopf. “But if someone starts acting in ways that feel unfamiliar (like being cold, distant, reactive, or checked out emotionally), that’s a deeper shift.” Sometimes this shift can come from stress outside of the relationship, conflict or unmet needs within the relationship, or personal shifts in values, life perspectives, or needs

Whatever the case, it’s important to take note of a deeper change, especially if it’s making you unhappy or uncomfortable. “The goal isn’t to blame, it’s to get curious about what’s actually going on… and work through it together,” says Groskopf.

Communicating with Your Partner

Whether the change in your partners feels positive or less than positive to you, communicating how you feel and what you are noticing is essential.

Here are some communication tips from Petersel:

• Be curious, and try to avoid blame.
• Consider open-ended statements, such as: “I’ve noticed that we do ___ more than ___ recently. Have you noticed that? I’m curious what’s going on there. Can you help me understand?”
• Try to say how you feel without labeling your partner; for example: “I’ve been feeling more distant lately, and I miss how connected we used to feel. I would love to ___ to feel more connected to you. What do you think about that?”
• Practice active listening.
• Give your partner space for their perspective.
• Try to understand before jumping to fix your partner.
• Be patient with yourself and your partner; change takes time to process.
• Keep in mind that understanding these changes often takes place over multiple conversations.

Rekindling the Connection

Once you understand better what’s happening with your partner and in your relationship, you may want to rekindle the spark to get to know this new version of your partner and fall in love with them all over again.

Here are Petersel’s suggestions for rekindling that spark:

• Engage in small, intentional activities such as sharing a daily gratitude practice to strengthen the connection.
• Rebuild shared rituals, like date nights, check-in conversations, or activities you like to do as a couple, like cooking together or going on long walks.
• Be clear about your desire to reconnect, and continue to openly share your feelings.

When It Might Be Time to Move On

For many of us, change in our partners can be something we can grow to understand and embrace. But sometimes the change isn’t something that we can make peace with or reconcile.

“If you’re constantly anxious, silencing yourself, or questioning your worth in the relationship, that’s not growth—that’s your nervous system telling you something isn’t right,” Groskop describes. “Real growth might be hard, but it still makes space for mutual respect, emotional safety, and repair. You don’t have to call pain ‘progress’ just to keep the peace.”

According to Petersel, other signs that may indicate that the relationship isn’t going to withstand the changes in your partner include:

• A continued sense of emotional distance or lack of connection
• Disrespect
• Unmet needs despite genuine efforts to repair
• If you and your partner’s core values or visions for life diverge significantly

Other changes can include:

• Resistance to change: one or both partners dismiss or reject the other’s evolving identity
• Frequent conflict without resolution, especially about values and lifestyle differences.
• Loss of shared goals or vision
• Withdrawal or effort to maintain intimacy, connection and emotional support
• Diminished trust reflected by a lack of faith in each other to grow together or be emotionally safe during transitions
• Emotional cutoff that results in a lack of open communication
• Behaviors that feel unsafe

When to Seek Professional Help

Keep in mind that sometimes the changes you are seeing in your partner, or that your partner is seeing in you, can’t be hashed out. And that’s okay: we all need a little extra help from time to time.

“Working with a therapist can be incredibly supportive in understanding what you’re feeling, identifying what specifically is shifting and the impact that’s having on you, and brainstorming and practicing how you want to communicate with the unique dynamics that you and your partner have,” Petersel says.

Petersel suggests seeking professional support when:

• Communication feels stuck
• Resentment is building
• You’re unsure how to move forward

Embracing Change and Growth

Change is hard, but it’s bound to happen in any long-term relationship. The best thing you can do is to try to embrace the change. “Change doesn’t have to be feared—it can be an opportunity to fall in love with new parts of yourself and your partner,” says Petersel.

That being said, sometimes these changes can be challenging to navigate. This is where open and honest communication is key. And don’t hesitate to reach out for professional help if you and your partner are at a standstill, or just need some extra support navigating these changes.