Morning friends,
We are having amazing wonderful weather at our cabin in Pinetop. You’d never know that this was Arizona. It’s still about 80 degrees during the day and 55-60 degrees in the evening. Perfect. I feel bad for my friends still in pizza oven hot temperatures in Sun City West.
If you have trouble with people pleasing, please check out my class Moving Beyond People Pleasing. All the information is here.
My grandgirls come back next week for another round of Nana camp. Looking forward to having them here with us.
Today’s Question: How do I deal with my own emotions after my husband’s recent pornography use? My husband’s first confession of pornography use was in November 2016 which was after our first child was born.
I wanted him to get counseling then and he did have three counseling sessions before he stopped. His excuse was that he saw how much his porn use hurt me and would never do it again.
Well, January 2019 he confessed to actively seeking porn again in the past several months (October-December 2018). His excuse for looking at it was that we weren’t having enough sex and that one time I had a yeast infection. I was so angry I told him to get out of my house and I punched him several times. A week later he confessed to using porn for 3 years from 2016 to 2018.
He is currently receiving counseling and changed his iPhone to another phone without internet access. So far he’s been receiving counseling for 3 months and he hasn’t been using porn.
I don’t know how to deal with my emotions. I feel angry and disgusted with him that this is how he thinks about and treats women. I feel as though I don’t know this man who I married and wish I never married him.
I thought I was marrying a man who is a wonderful spiritual leader but I was deceived. Before his first confession of porn use, we would discuss how pornography, pedophilia, prostitution/sex trafficking are connected and my husband would express grief and disgust over pornography in the world.
So my husband’s confession of it was like a swift kick in my gut. I don’t know how to move past this.
Answer: Dear friend, you are not alone. So many women today face sexual betrayal. They find that their husband has lied to them about past porn and sexual activity, often repeatedly.
And most will have strong emotions which is perfectly normal. Anger, hurt, sadness, fear, disgust, and even shame flood your heart and mind. Shame that your man is that kind of man. Shame that you didn’t know what was going on. Shame that you were vulnerable and intimate with this man.
Please don’t beat yourself up for your strong emotions. They are telling you something is wrong. Your emotions are wonderful informers, but they don’t always tell you the truth about everything.
For example, if you are feeling shame because you believe you are tainted or “ruined” because of what your husband has done is not true. If you feel mad at yourself for believing him or trusting him or not knowing sooner what was really going on, you are telling yourself a lie that somehow you should have known, which is impossible. Addicts are expert liars.
Therefore, your first step is to listen to your emotions, validate them, even thank them for being there. I know right now they may feel overwhelming and even scary but as long as you don’t act on them, you’ll get through this. Be curious about what you’re feeling and ask your anger, or sadness or fear, or shame what it wants to tell you. Journal. Listen. Ask questions. Give them plenty of room to tell you what’s going on.
Next pay attention to your thoughts or the story that goes with your particular emotion.
Ask yourself whether or not what your thoughts are describing or the story you are telling yourself is the whole truth.
For example, if your shame or fear is telling you a story that your life is ruined, don’t believe it. Or if your embarrassed feelings tell you that everyone will think it’s your fault he acted that way because of your inadequacy or some other rubbish, you must counter these lies with the truth. Your husband has a problem and it has deeply hurt you and your marriage, but his problem has nothing to do with you nor is it about you. It is about him.
What if you could just feel your feelings, whatever they are, and let go of the associated scary story or thoughts that accompany them? For example, if you banged your toe on the side of your bed and you just felt your very real pain, without telling yourself a story that you will be crippled for life, or this means that you’re a stupid klutz, or that your toe will fall off, how long will the pain last?
Your emotions inform you but be careful of what actions you take right now. Your feelings may be saying that you can’t trust your husband right now and that is the truth. They are telling you that he’s deceived you even before marriage, making a good case for sexual integrity and purity, while acting out the opposite behaviors. This creates a very shaky ground for a relationship and you don’t know whether or not you will ever be able to trust your husband again or even if you want to spend one more minute with him to rebuild your marriage. Yet you may still love him and want to keep your family intact.
There are lots of strong emotions you have here to wade through. Don’t rush. Don’t judge. Just be careful.
Emotions make great informers but terrible decision makers. Click To Tweet
Your husband’s inappropriate sexual acting out have come as a result of his emotions of lust, loneliness, fear, greed, or inadequacy. Instead of him paying attention to those emotions and figuring out what was wrong with him or what was missing inside, he tried to manage those feelings with sex. Sexual addicts believe that sex fixes everything that is wrong. That’s not true and his acting out behaviors have created a whole new set of problems and feelings. Don’t let that be you.
As you feel strong emotions, be cautious about allowing them to make any permanent decisions right now. Your anger may want to lash out with cruel or shaming attacks against your spouse. Your pain may want to do something destructive to yourself or to him. If that’s the case, please get additional help to manage your feelings.
You have been traumatized. In trauma, you won’t always think clearly, as when you feel deep grief or anger. Knowing that helps you protect yourself from pressuring yourself into making any permanent decisions right now on the future of your marriage or what action steps you need to take.
You state your husband has been doing his work. He has lots of work to do, but so do you. You’ve experienced a betrayal trauma and that is no small thing to recover from.
Please don’t over-function trying to manage his recovery while ignoring your own. Each of you have a lot of healing to do before you will be able to assess whether the marriage can be repaired.
An excellent book on this written by a colleague and friend of mine is called Healing from Sexual Betrayal by Sheri Keffer. She’s a psychologist who knows how to help women heal not only because of her skilled expertise in this field but because she herself has lived through it.
Her story serves to remind us that the enemy can seek to kill and destroy but God can use all things in our life for his good purposes. That may not comfort you right now, but when you are in the middle of a scary story about your future, knowing that women have not only survived sexual betrayal but have thrived afterward, can give you hope that you will too.
Friends, how have you managed your strong emotions, especially when they scared you and felt out of control?
