Birthday parties, concerts, her little sister’s graduation…I showed up for it. But whenever it was *my* turn to invite her to something that was important to me, she always had some type of excuse: too tired, too busy, or just wasn’t feeling like it. I brushed it off at first. All friendships go through ups and downs. But I couldn’t ignore the facts forever. It wasn’t easy, but I finally had to admit she was just being a bad friend.

We’ve all found ourselves in this type of situation at one point or another. It can lead to a lot of anger and resentment, but figuring out what to do about it isn’t always easy.

Dr. Noah Kass, DSW, LCSW, says having hard conversations that address issues like these in a friendship are essential. “It can prevent problems from worsening and clear up misunderstandings. It can help you let go of resentment. These conversations set boundaries, like how much time you give to the friendship or what behavior you will or won’t accept,” he explains.

Telling someone they are being a bad friend can be uncomfortable. While you might be tempted just to forgive and forget to avoid rocking the boat, ignoring the problem means you’re selling yourself short when it comes to the type of support you need. It’s not easy, but having these sometimes awkward conversations is essential for establishing boundaries and maintaining healthy relationships.

Before you broach the topic, try to examine the situation objectively. You might feel letdown, but it’s also important to consider all the outside factors that might be causing misunderstandings and hurt feelings. You’ll be better prepared to approach this conversation if you give yourself time to think clearly.

Identifying Signs of a Bad Friend

Friendships play a big part in our lives. They can lift us up and give us the encouragement we need when we need it most. But not all friendships are equal or even healthy. When this happens, you might look at the relationship and wonder if it’s dragging you down more than lifting you up.

Some friendships end as life changes or people grow, but sometimes they end because of perceived transgressions. In other words, one person does something the other can’t move past, causing them to distance themselves or end the friendship altogether.

It’s normal for friendships to ebb and flow. It’s important to remember that your friend might be dealing with other challenges—relationships, stressors, and other factors—that are drawing their time and attention. However, neglect becomes a problem when it becomes a pattern. 

Do they only reach out when they need something? Are they constantly dismissing how you feel? Some red flags that might indicate that someone is a friend who’s always taking and never giving include:

They Are Always Negative

Everyone has bad days, but a bad friend is someone who always rains on your parade. They constantly complain, dwell on the negative, and criticize others. Just being around them becomes a source of sadness and distress. 

“It’s totally normal to share struggles or vent—that’s part of being in a healthy friendship. But if negativity is the foundation of the friendship, there’s no room for joy or growth,” explains Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC, founder of Evolution to Healing Psychotherapy. “At the end of the day, friendships are supposed to add to your life, not take from it.”

They Never Support You

A good friend cheers you on and celebrates your successes. A bad friend doesn’t show up for you when you need them, and they may downplay your victories or get jealous when things are going your way.

They Make It All About Them

Friendships are about give and take. If your friend demands all the attention, dominates every conversation, and never shows interest in you, it’s a good sign that they might be a toxic or neglectful friend. Imbalanced power dynamics can negatively affect friendships and individual well-being.

The Friendship Is One-Sided

Power imbalances and poor support can also be a sign that you don’t have equal footing in the friendship.

“If you’re the one always reaching out, making plans, or putting in the effort (and it’s constantly met with indifference), it could be a sign that the relationship is one-sided,” Groskopf says. “If your needs are regularly dismissed, it might be time to step back and reevaluate the friendship.”

They Betray Your Trust

Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. If your friend discloses personal information, gossips about you, breaks their promises, or betrays your trust in other ways, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.

You Can’t Rely on Them

Things happen, and even the best-laid plans have to change sometimes. But if they always seem too busy to meet, forget your plans, or fail to show up when you need help, it’s a sign they don’t value your friendship.

They Are Critical or Dismissive

Good friends value you for who you are. A bad friend belittles, criticizes, and disrespects you. If your interactions make you feel worse about yourself, consider it a major red flag.

They Don’t Respect Your Boundaries 

Boundaries let others know what you are willing to accept in a relationship. If your friend pushes you to share things when you are clearly uncomfortable or cajoles you into doing things that leave you distressed, they aren’t being a very good friend. A bad friend will keep crossing those lines, even when you’ve made your feelings clear.

Preparing for the Conversation

Once you’ve recognized that someone isn’t being the type of friend you need and deserve, you need to decide how to approach them about the problem. 

Try to be honest about your goals before having this conversation. Are you trying to save or strengthen the friendship, or do you just want to clear the air before you move on? Before you broach the subject with them, you need to know your intentions.

You can prepare for this conversation by writing down specific examples of how their behavior has hurt you. Consider each situation, how it affected you, and other circumstances that might have affected their behavior.

Effective Communication Strategies

Telling someone that they are being a bad friend requires clarity and just the right amount of tact. You want to get your message across, but you don’t want to trash the relationship beyond repair. Using the right communication strategies is the key to saying what you need to say without causing unnecessary defensiveness, guilt, shame, or anger.

• Focus on solutions: Skip dwelling on every past grievance or mistake. Don’t show up with a laundry list citing every time they’ve disappointed you. “Address one issue at a time; you don’t want to overwhelm your friend. If you do, they will not be able to focus on what you are saying,” Dr. Kass says.
• Be specific: Again, you don’t need to bring up every incident, but you don’t want to start with sweeping generalizations. Saying something like, “You canceled our plans three times in the last month” is more constructive than “You never show up!”
• Use “I feel” statements: Dr. Kass suggests sticking with “I” statements during this conversation. “Focus on your own feelings and experiences,” he says. They are more likely to listen and engage if they aren’t feeling defensive.
• Let them talk (and listen to what they say): Resist the urge to fill moments of silence. Give them time to think and respond, then actively listen and reflect on what they are saying. “Be an active listener. A conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue,” Dr. Kass says. 
• Be willing to acknowledge your own role: Remember that you’re not perfect, and you’ve probably made mistakes, too. Be willing to listen to their POV and take responsibility for your own part in any misunderstandings or miscommunications.

Ways to Approach the Topic

So, how do you approach the topic in the first place? Bringing it up can be nerve-wracking, but there are some strategies that can help make initiating this difficult conversation a bit easier.

Start With Vulnerability

Groskopf suggests starting the conversation with how you feel instead of launching into what they did wrong. “You could say something like, ‘I’ve been feeling kind of hurt lately, and I want to talk to you about it.’ People are more likely to listen when they don’t feel attacked,” she suggests.

She also notes that “I” statements are key. Telling them what they are doing wrong will put them on the defensive, but they’ll be more open to hearing about how their actions affect you. “Instead of saying, ‘You never listen to me,’ try, ‘I feel unheard when I’m talking, and it’s hard for me to feel connected to you,'” she suggests.

Be Direct (but Compassionate)

You need to be direct, but that doesn’t mean you have to be harsh. Initiate the conversation by telling them how much you value the friendship—which also includes wanting to make it stronger. 

It helps to frame the issue as one of concern rather than criticism. For example, you might start by saying, “I really care about our friendship, which is why I need to talk to you about something that’s been on my mind.” This empathetic approach conveys that you care while still maintaining the honesty you need to convey.

One thing you shouldn’t do is call the other person a “bad friend” or another derogatory label (even if that’s how you feel). “Avoid labeling your friend or calling them a ‘bad friend.’ Do not tell them what is wrong with them or how they should think,” Dr. Kass says.

Use Examples to Illustrate Your Points

When you are talking about the behaviors that have led to this conversation, it helps to focus on specific, recent examples rather than vague generalities.

For example, you might say, “Last week, you said you were too busy with work to spend some time together, but then you posted on your Snapchat stories about being out with other friends.” Instead of saying something like, “You never have time for me,” being specific helps your friend see how their actions were hurtful.

Offer Constructive Feedback

Keep the focus on the specific behaviors your friend can control, rather than talking about their personality traits (which are more challenging to control and change). Instead of accusing them of gossiping about you, emphasize that you were hurt when they shared some personal details you told them in confidence. Then, let them know how they might deal with that situation in the future.

Suggest Ways to Improve the Friendship

The conversation’s goal is to strengthen your friendship, so make it a point to emphasize how you can improve the situation. Dr. Kass suggests keeping the focus on common ground and mutual accountability.

Again, be specific. Instead of saying something like, “We need to hang out more,” you might suggest a scheduled monthly meet-up. Focusing on specific improvements can help your friend see there are ways they can work on the relationship.

Listen to What They Have to Say

It’s important to convey your message, but Groskopf explains that listening to what they have to say is just as essential. 

“After sharing your concerns, give them space to respond. Maybe they didn’t realize how their behavior was impacting you. Or maybe they’ve been dealing with something you didn’t know about,” she says.

Handling Different Reactions

It’s also important to be prepared for various reactions. The hope is that they’ll be responsive, but the reality is that they might also become emotional or defensive. Responses you might experience include:

• Denial, excuses, or deflection
• Apologies and promises to change the behavior
• Counter-accusations
• Requests for time to process what you’ve said

No matter how they respond, remaining calm, maintaining your boundaries, and giving them time to think about the conversation is essential. 

“Leave room for your friend to say they can meet your expectations. Allow time and space for problem-solving and negotiations,” Dr. Kass says.

Deciding on the Future of the Friendship

So, what happens next? Well, that depends on how they respond and how you feel. After this kind of conversation, your friend might evaluate your behavior and feel remorseful. The result (hopefully) is that they make a consistent effort to improve the relationship. 

Unfortunately, that outcome might not always be possible. “If both of you are putting in effort, being honest, and showing a real willingness to grow, the friendship might be worth working on. But if nothing changes and the relationship keeps causing harm, stepping away might be the healthier choice,” Groskopf says.

Researchers have found that people typically take one of three approaches when dealing with a problematic friendship: they compartmentalize aspects of the friendship, distance themselves from their friend, or end the friendship altogether. Only you can decide which one is right for you.

When to End the Friendship

Groskopf says there are a few signs that it might be healthier to step away from the friendship instead of trying to fix it. Ask yourself:

• Do I feel worse after seeing them? “If you feel drained, anxious, or dismissed after spending time with them, that’s a BIG red flag. Friendships shouldn’t always leave you on empty,” Groskopf says.
• Can I be myself around them? If you’re always walking on eggshells or have to monitor your behavior to avoid upsetting them, it’s a sign that your dynamic isn’t healthy.
• How does my body feel? This may be the most important sign of all. “If the idea of stepping away feels more like relief than sadness, it’s a sign that the relationship may no longer be serving you,” says Groskopf.

Keep in Mind

Telling someone they are a bad friend is tough. It takes bravery and compassion. You might feel like you’re being harsh, but it’s important to be honest about how you feel and how their actions affect you.

The thing is, healthy friendships can withstand tough conversations. You *should* be able to tell them the truth, even if saying it is hard in the moment.

Great friendships aren’t built on filtering your thoughts or changing who you are to maintain harmony. It’s about being true to yourself and to each other. It also means showing that the relationship really means something to you. Being honest now protects your well-being in the short term and ensures that the relationship will be a healthy source of support and joy for years to come.