Dating someone who is emotionally unavailable can be a rollercoaster of hope and confusion. We find ourselves wondering: Is he really into me? Does he even care? How can he be super affectionate one minute, then shut me out the next? Is there something real here or am I just imagining it?

“People who are emotionally unavailable tend to come off as distant, cold, or aloof,” says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert. “They struggle with communication and talking about their feelings and emotions.”

Dating an emotionally unavailable person can have a significant emotional impact, often leaving you feeling frustrated, confused, and unfulfilled, says Tatiana Rivera Cruz, MSW, LCSW, a therapist at ADHDAdvisor.

But sometimes, even emotionally unavailable people reveal their feelings in unexpected ways. He may not say the words or wear his heart on his sleeve, but there are usually little signs he’s falling for you, like making time for you, being protective of you, and opening up to you little by little. Here are some telltale signs that he might be more invested than he’s letting on.

Signs of Emotional Unavailability

This is what emotional unavailability can look like in relationships:

• Surface-level conversations: Conversations stay light and skate across the surface. Your partner is happy to talk about work, movies, or sports. However, he may shut down or avoid topics that require him to be more emotional and open, says Dr. Romanoff.
• Confusing behavior: One day your partner is super attentive, showering you with affection. The next, he’s barely responsive. This hot-and-cold behavior has you constantly guessing whether he actually cares or not. As a result, you’re left feeling frustrated, isolated, and confused, says Cruz.
• Fear of commitment: Your partner might avoid labels, shy away from long-term plans, or seem reluctant to define the relationship. Phrases like “I’m not ready for something serious” or “Let’s just see where this goes” are common. You’re really not sure where things stand and where they’re headed.
• Lack of vulnerability: It can sometimes feel like your partner is physically present but emotionally distant, avoiding vulnerability or meaningful conversations, says Cruz. He changes the subject when things get deep or seems uncomfortable when you share your feelings. It’s like he has a wall up, and his emotions are locked away.
• Distractions: When things start getting too real, he might steer things back to flirting or joking around. If conversations get too intense, he may even use physical affection as a way to dodge those topics. This might make you feel closer in the moment but it doesn’t deepen your emotional connection.
• Emotional avoidance: Your partner may not just struggle with feeling the extent of their own emotions without shutting down or denying them, says Dr. Romanoff. They may also have difficulty dealing with your feelings and withdraw from you when you need emotional support or connection, Cruz adds.

Dating someone who is emotionally unavailable can have you feeling like you’re constantly chasing them, seeking more, and feeling needy for the affection of a person who is very reluctant to give emotionally and be fully seen, says Dr. Romanoff.

Signs an Emotionally Unavailable Man Is in Love with You

If an emotionally unavailable man is in love with you, he may not be able to express his feelings and tell you so outright. In fact, he may not even realize it himself. However, there may be signs that indicate he cares more than he lets on:

• He starts to open up: While your partner might usually avoid deep conversations, he may start to open up occasionally and share more about himself. You may start to get small glimpses into his feelings, likes, and dislikes, as he begins to trust you.
• He makes time for you: He goes out of his way to reach out to you, make plans with you, and spend time with you. This can be a sign that he likes you and wants to be around you.
• He remembers the little things: He pays attention to the little things, like your favorite dessert or the big deadline you have coming up. He listens actively to what you’re saying and makes an effort to remember them.
• He’s protective of you: He may start showing concern for your well-being, checking in on you, or standing up for you when you’re in a tough spot. Even if he struggles with emotional expression, this protective behavior shows he cares deeply.
• He lets you into his private world: He brings you into his circle by introducing you to his friends and family, indicating that he wants you to be a part of his life. He also shows you things he’s passionate about that he doesn’t share with many people.
• He compliments you: He notices and appreciates the little things about you, giving you unique compliments that indicate he truly sees you.
• He shares his vulnerabilities: While it might be rare, he opens up to you about his fears, insecurities, or past experiences. This is a sign of trust and a willingness to connect on a deeper level.
• He’s willing to work on communication: He might not be great at expressing his feelings, but if he’s making an effort to communicate or listen more, he may be trying to bridge that gap. He may even ask for feedback on how to be better in the relationship, showing you he cares about you enough to work on himself.
• He apologizes and makes things right: When he messes up, instead of avoiding responsibility, he apologizes or makes it right. For someone emotionally unavailable, admitting fault or showing vulnerability can be difficult—so if he does it, it’s a powerful indicator of how much he values you.
• He hints at the future: If he starts hinting at future plans that include you, like suggesting a trip or talking about something that’s months down the road, it can be a big step for someone who usually avoids commitments.

Why It’s Important to Recognize the Signs

Here’s why it’s important to recognize the signs that your partner might be in love with you:

• Gives you clarity: When you’re with someone who struggles to show their emotions, it’s easy to feel insecure or confused about where you stand. Recognizing these subtle signs of love can help you understand his true feelings, reducing your doubt and anxiety.
• Strengthens your bond: By recognizing these signs, you start to see the efforts he’s making to let you in, no matter how small they may be. Acknowledging these gestures can create a sense of appreciation and understanding, bringing the two of you closer.
• Sets expectations: Knowing he’s in love with you, even if he doesn’t express it traditionally, can help you approach the relationship with realistic expectations. You can start to appreciate his unique way of showing his affection and avoid pushing him to express himself in ways that feel unnatural to him.
• Reduces misunderstandings: Without recognizing these signs, you might assume that his emotional distance stems from a lack of interest, when in reality, he’s just not able to show you his love in more traditional ways. Knowing what to look for can help prevent misunderstandings that could lead to unnecessary frustration or even a premature breakup.
• Empowers you to make decisions: Being able to gauge his feelings can help you decide if this relationship aligns with your needs. If you recognize that he’s in love in his own way, you may feel more comfortable investing your time and energy in the relationship.

How to Respond to This Love

Now, you know the signs. The only left question is: Can you make do with what he’s able to give you?

Responding to emotional unavailability in a relationship requires self-awareness, clear boundaries, and careful consideration of your emotional well-being, says Cruz.

Here’s how to approach it thoughtfully:

• Appreciate his efforts, no matter how small: If your partner begins letting his guard down, even just a little, take a moment to appreciate it. When he shares something personal, show him that you value his efforts. A simple “Thanks for sharing that” can go a long way.
• Communicate your needs gently: Let him know how you feel and what you need in a gentle, low-pressure way. Instead of expecting him to jump into the deep end of the emotional pool, keep it simple. You might say, “I really enjoy when we’re able to connect,” or, “It’s important for me to feel close to the people I care about.” This helps him understand where you’re coming from without making him feel cornered.
• Show vulnerability: Sometimes leading by example can make a big difference. Open up about your own experiences, fears, or dreams. If he sees you’re comfortable being vulnerable, he might feel safer doing the same. It’s a subtle way to let him know that it’s okay to be real with you.
• Be patient—but don’t wait forever: It’s fine to be patient while he works on opening up, but don’t lose sight of your own needs. Give him a chance to grow, but keep an eye on your own well-being. Repeatedly suppressing your emotions can make you unhappy. If you find yourself constantly waiting for him to change, ask if it’s truly fair to you.
• Be realistic about his capacity for change: Some emotionally unavailable people can open up with time, while others may always struggle with it. It’s important to be honest with yourself about his capacity for change, rather than ignoring his behavior or making excuses for him, says Cruz.
• Be prepared to walk away: There is a possibility that he may not be able to meet your emotional needs, and it’s essential to assess whether this dynamic is something you’re willing to accept, says Cruz. “If he remains unwilling or unable to address the issue, it may be necessary to establish boundaries to protect yourself, such as limiting your emotional investment or walking away from the relationship.”

Takeaways

Navigating a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man can feel like piecing together a puzzle, one hint at a time. While he might not express his feelings in the ways you’re used to, love can still shine through in the small, significant ways he shows up for you. By recognizing the signs, you may get a glimpse of his true feelings, even if he’s not ready to say the words out loud.

However, it’s important to remember that healthy relationships require open communication and emotional intimacy. If you find yourself in a relationship where your needs aren’t being met, you need to prioritize your own well-being and consider whether the person is really the one for you.