Infidelity is one of the most heartbreaking events that can occur within a committed relationship. It leads to family separation, social disruption, and a variety of negative consequences stemming from the painful betrayal of trust. Most people are intentional about selecting partners they do not envision straying off the path. But it happens. As I describe in a prior post,[i] sometimes inadvertently, sometimes intentionally.

Quality relationships require an investment in exclusivity—which as a practical matter, includes avoiding temptation. Just like someone on a diet might stay out of a bakery, committed partners can stay out of singles bars or events that intentionally showcase alternatives. Yet, unfortunately, some people do not attempt to avoid temptation, they seek it out. After the fact, once the damage has been done, the question becomes, was it worth it? Research has some answers.

Source: Image by Peggy und Marco Lachmann-Anke from Pixabay

Seeking Satisfaction Through Straying

Jana Hackathorn and Brien K. Ashdown in a piece entitled “The Webs We Weave” (2021) explored motivations for infidelity as well as resulting extra-relational satisfaction—or the lack thereof.[ii] They studied users of the AshleyMadison website, which was specifically designed for affairs with extra-relational partners.

Regarding motivation, Hackathorn and Ashdown found their results were consistent with previous research regarding both sexual and emotional motivation to cheat, yet also included individual differences. Sexual motivations were predicted by a host of factors that included gender (being male), experiencing less guilt, embracing an unrestricted sociosexual orientation, and less satisfaction with a current partner.

Regarding gender-based motives for infidelity, they found men were more likely to endorse sex-based motives and women more likely to endorse emotional-based motives, such as neglect, anger, or dissatisfaction. The majority of motivations, however, were strongly predicted by experiencing dissatisfaction within a current relationship. On the other hand, they also found that satisfaction with affair partners was not consistently predicted by motivations to cheat in the first place.

The Dubious Benefits of Betrayal

One of the most difficult aspects of an affair is the pursuit of happiness with a secondary partner considering the devastating impact on a current relationship. From children to pets to possessions, all facets of a relationship are adversely affected by the betrayal of trust. Not surprisingly, this is the question many guilty partners ask themselves in retrospect: Was it worth it?

Hackathorn and Ashdown tackled this question in their research, examining satisfaction with participants’ secondary relationships. They found that for both men and women, satisfaction was positively correlated with emotion-based motivations for infidelity such as neglect, anger, and dissatisfaction, but not related to sex-based motives—such as wanting to have more sexual intercourse. They report that people who cheat because of sexual motives do not find satisfaction in extra-relational relationships. They suggest that instead, for cheaters pursuing sexually based motives, once sexual needs are met, they become less salient, making satisfaction more grounded in the emotional aspects of their affair.

Hackathorn and Ashdown also found that dissatisfaction with a current partner predicted a higher level of satisfaction with a secondary partner—yet they also note it was not the strongest nor the only predictor. They found that apparently, satisfaction with a secondary partner was also influenced by being older, female, having an unrestricted sociosexuality, and experiencing less sex guilt. They also discuss faith-based factors, concluding, among other things, that Christian religiosity factors into the decisions people make about whether or not to cheat in the first place, rather than predicting satisfaction with an extra-relational partner.

The Straight Path Leads to a Bright Future

Regardless of motivation, straying from the path to pursue relational alternatives often leads to distress, disaster, and divorce. Conversely, investing in a quality relationship is the gift that keeps on giving. Creating an atmosphere of love, kindness, and respect blesses a relationship at every stage, as well as associated family and friends, and ensures a bright future.