For those in the dating world, we have scientific proof that the fear of being single predicts settling for less in a relationship.[1] Although hidden from view, there is a deep evolutionary drive influencing this fear: If you do not have a mate, you are not going to get your genes into the next generation (i.e., have children). This is why we have a fear of being alone.

If you have lower self-esteem, you are more likely to think that other people see you the same way: less valuable than the person next to you. In psychiatry, we call this a projection. Just as a movie is projected onto a screen, human beings project their own thoughts and feelings onto another person’s intentions and motivations, even if the other person is not thinking or feeling anything like that at all. People with low self-esteem simply feel less loved by their romantic partner. If they don’t see themselves as lovable, how could anyone, especially their partner, see them as lovable?[2]

Many of my patients talk about their romantic relationships. People with lower self-esteem are more afraid of being rejected and are more reluctant to even begin a relationship. Their anxiety can get so overwhelming that they don’t even try, assuming that the romantic prospect will dismiss them out of hand.

I have other patients who are in romantic relationships but worry that, at any moment, their partner will leave them for someone better.

It is no coincidence that I see fewer patients in healthy relationships. These are people who expect the best, reporting that their partner sees them as capable, successful, and able to manage challenge and adversity. It is wonderful to be in a relationship where your partner believes in you. Couples like this expect more from their relationship. As such, they invest more, have greater commitment, and report greater satisfaction.

If you are in a relationship, how do you see yourself through your partner’s eyes? Do you feel great being around them, because they make you feel great? Are you doing the same for your partner? Do you let them know you believe in them, that you think they are amazing? Do you tell them you love them every chance you get? Do you thank them for just being them?[3]

I have worked with so many couples who don’t do this. They are the ones who come in for therapy angry, anxious, and feeling that something is missing from their relationship. More often than not, that missing piece is believing in each other. When we believe in each other, we solidify our membership in this dyadic group; we remind ourselves how hard we have worked to be so lucky to have a partner like that and do whatever it takes to keep them close by.

We have even evolved a brain chemical of love to bind us to each other. What do you feel when you see a picture of your loved one’s face? A rush? A sense of pleasure and joy? That’s the effect of oxytocin flowing through your body just at the sight of that face. That’s why you see your partner as more beautiful and desirable than any other face. Oxytocin contributes to your romantic bonds by increasing the attractiveness and value of your partner over all others.[4]

I am a physician and prescribe medication, but this is one medicine I do not need to prescribe. We can increase oxytocin in each other simply by reminding them of their value. This is not confined to your love partner but to each and every person with whom we interact. Every friend was once a stranger, which means there are billions of potential friends in the world. Every time you remind someone of their value, you increase your own value. And that feels great.

Why? Back to evolution and needing to survive.

Every time you have a new friend, you increase the size of your group. And feel safer.

And so do they.

It does not mean you have to settle for “less.” Just the opposite. You are the one who offers more. But first, you have to believe in yourself.

You are valuable.

Find that person who makes you love going home. When you love going home, it means you feel valued there, respected there, and can trust there. Having a nest where you feel safe and valued is among the most important things you can have. And each of you can do that for the other.

This is not just confined to romance.

But to every interaction in the world. Everyone is an opportunity to increase your group, our group. Every friend was once a stranger.

This is so, so doable, my readers.

Let’s do it.