As a relationship therapist, I see many people like Sara, Chris, and Jenna who struggle to leave partners who repeatedly hurt, neglect, or disrespect them. It’s easy to say, “If they mistreat you, just leave.” But when it comes to the experience of love and attachment, it’s far more complicated. Here are three reasons you may keep returning to a partner who treats you poorly—and what you can do to reclaim control of your heart and future.

1. The Dopamine Cycle: Trapped in the Thrill of Unpredictable Love

Sara met Dan on a dating app, and though the highs of their relationship were thrilling, the lows were excruciating. Dan would ignore her for days, only to return with sweet promises and affectionate words. This pattern left Sara feeling on edge but also highly attuned to the little moments when he did pay attention to her. When Dan finally texted back or showed up for a date, it felt like a significant reward that Sara chased despite her better judgment.

This is no accident. Unpredictable affection, like what Sara experienced, creates a cycle where your brain releases dopamine, the “feel-good” chemical, in response to intermittent positive reinforcement. Similar to gambling or other addictive behaviors, the brain learns to crave the high moments, even when they are few and far between. Even when inconsistently given, the promise of love can trap you in a cycle of attachment and hope.

Tip: To break free from this dopamine-driven attachment, consider setting up a support system outside the relationship. Create a plan to spend time with friends and family or engage in fulfilling activities that aren’t reliant on your partner’s moods or actions. The key is to gradually rewire your brain to feel rewarded by consistent, healthy sources of affection, which helps release you from the cycle of unpredictable love.

2. Self-Esteem and Self-Worth: Believing You Don’t Deserve Better

Chris never felt genuinely valued in his relationship with Emma. He thought he deserved it when Emma criticized him or dismissed his feelings. Deep down, Chris struggled with low self-esteem, believing that he wasn’t worthy of a partner who would treat him well. His relationship history was full of emotionally distant or critical partners, a reflection of the internalized belief that he should settle for less-than-ideal treatment.

As I discuss in my book, Why Can’t You Read My Mind?, low self-esteem can be an enormous factor in why you stay with someone who treats you poorly. When you don’t feel valuable or worthy, you subconsciously seek out relationships that mirror these feelings. You might even become convinced that you won’t find someone better, that a kinder partner is unrealistic, or that love feels this way for everyone.

Tip: Start working on self-worth by listing your strengths, achievements, and positive qualities. Recognizing these qualities helps rebuild your self-esteem. Consider seeking therapy or talking with a trusted mentor to address the underlying issues that keep you feeling unworthy. Remember, healthy relationships start with a healthy sense of self. When you value yourself, you’re less likely to settle for anyone who doesn’t.

3. The “Change Fantasy”: Holding on to Hope They’ll Become the Person You Want Them to Be

Jenna had been with her partner, Lucas, for two years despite his frequent put-downs and lack of interest in her life. Yet, whenever she considered ending things, she remembered moments when Lucas had been kind, generous, and loving. She couldn’t shake the feeling that if she just loved him enough, he would “come around.” This belief that Lucas would eventually change into the partner she needed was what kept Jenna holding on, even when the reality was that his good behavior was rare.

The “change fantasy” is common in relationships where one partner hopes the other will eventually live up to their potential. This hope can be based on early memories, occasional gestures, or promises of future change. Unfortunately, people rarely transform in the way we want or need just because we stick around. Staying in a toxic relationship under the impression that someone will change often leads to more pain and disappointment.

Tip: Challenge yourself to see your partner’s consistent actions, not their promises or isolated good moments. Journal your experiences if you’re unsure—often, putting things in writing helps clarify how often you’re receiving the respect, love, and care you deserve. Remember, love is about being accepted and valued now, not in some imagined future.

Breaking the Cycle: Moving Forward With Self-Compassion

Breaking free from a partner who treats you poorly isn’t easy. These reasons—dopamine highs, low self-esteem, and the hope of change—can exert a powerful pull on your heart and mind. But understanding these forces is the first step toward reclaiming control.

If you’re reading this and realizing you’re in a relationship like the examples above, know that change is possible. With self-awareness, support, and small, consistent actions, you can break free from this cycle and seek the love, respect, and partnership you deserve.

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.