Prominent historians have said that this is the most polarized we have been since the Civil War. That’s a scary thought, with a heavily armed population. What saves us from armed conflict is the fact that polarization is no longer defined by 19th-century regions; it permeates nearly every community in every region of the country.

Politicians used to be aware that demonizing their opponents also demonized those who vote for their opponents, so they by and large controlled the impulse to do it. Criticism of policies was fair game, but ad hominem attacks were considered counterproductive. In the 1992 election, George H. W. Bush was rightly villainized for a one-off thoughtless remark in the heat of the campaign; he referred to his opponents as “bozos.” Compare that to the malicious character assassination that is common political parlance in these times. Now people who might consider voting for a political opponent are subject to abusive name-calling.

Sadly, polarization is not confined to politics. It infects cultures and families as well. In my 40-plus years as a couples’ therapist, specializing in chronic resentment, anger, and emotional abuse, I have never seen it anywhere near what it is today.

I was a Vietnam War protestor in college in the late 1960s, another period of polarization, mostly between the young and old. Those were impassioned protests to be sure, but they were focused on policy choices, not infused with the hate for individuals and groups that we see now.

Polarization creates oversimplified and reductive perceptions of enormously complex problems. On a personal level, when we feel certain that we understand someone, our judgments are most likely oversimplified and reductive, based on superficial observations through inherently biased lenses.

Polarization is self-reinforcing, as it breeds distrust. We’re prone to accept information as truthful only if we trust the persons or media imparting it. The more we hear from other factions in a polarized climate, the more distrustful we become. Polarized views repel more than persuade.

Polarization is exacerbated by politicians, advocates, and social media algorithms, but they’re more a product of the brain’s lazy reasoning, or, kindlier, its autopilot conservation of energy. Daniel Kahneman and others have shown us that we judge first then look for reasons, in the fog of confirmation bias. Carl Jung famously said:

“Thinking is hard, that’s why people judge.”

Anger and Justice

We know that perceived injustice makes people angry. Less well known is that anger makes us perceive injustice by enhancing confirmation bias and blinding us to other perspectives. When angry, we feel right, but it’s hard to know whether we’re actually right or just self-righteous. Certainty is an emotional state, not an intellectual one. To feel certain, the brain must limit the information it processes. The more it limits, the more likely it is to be inaccurate and rely on dubious information and biases. Feeling certain ( especially about complex issues and problems) requires narrowing and rigidifying of perspective.

It’s worth noting that the common element in most persistent unhappiness, mental illness, emotional disorder, relationship dysfunction, and serious parenting conflicts is a narrow, rigid perspective.

Healing the Wounds of Polarization

I’m telling my clients that we heal by getting in touch with our basic humanity—our capacity for tolerance, compassion, respect, and kindness—and by relating to each other as human beings, not labels. Disagreement about behaviors or policies should never make us violate basic humanity. My clients invariably admit that they like themselves better when in touch with basic humanity than when angry or demonizing anyone who disagrees with them. They realize that we raise self-value by valuing others and lower it by devaluing others, although the latter might temporarily inflate the ego through downward comparison. They understand that a little bit of all of us is in each of us.

Widen Your Perspective

It helps to recognize the complexity of human beings and accept that most people are more frail than cruel. Beliefs move away from bias and closer to truth if they are falsifiable, that is, when they admit contrary evidence. On autopilot, we will not do this; it must be a deliberate choice. This is especially important in a time when negative labels are used almost as much as ordinary nouns.

Perspectives become enriched when they are widened. Examples:

Narrow perspective: The problem with this country is (Republicans, Democrats, religion, atheism, and so on…)

Expanded perspective: The problem with this country is intolerance.

Narrow perspective: My spouse is nagging.

Expanded perspective: My spouse feels unheard.

Narrow perspective: Hardly anyone is worthy of trust.

Expanded perspective: I have a hard time trusting.

Narrow perspective: This country is filled with crazies.

Expanded perspective: This country has many people who feel disregarded and disenfranchised.

Widened perspectives lead to solutions. Narrow perspectives oversimplify and compound problems.

Widening perspectives makes us smarter, happier, and healthier.