Morning friend,

I am on a cruise in Alaska speaking for the American Association of Christian Counselors. This Arizona girl hates the cold, but this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity so I bought some of those little foot and hand warmer packets and I will activate them to keep warm. I’ll send a picture for next week’s blog.

Questions: I love your podcast so much! I was listening to the self-esteem one and had a question. How do you distinguish between the limitation of “I can’t be a neurosurgeon” (where you accept it and move on) and the low self-esteem thinking of “I can’t write a book” (I know it’s not yet and ask God to help or bring others to help)?

Also is spending time learning “Self-compassion” such as different self-talk okay as a Christian? I was listening to material on self-compassion and how to change my self-talk to be encouraging but I got afraid I was being self-absorbed and relying on myself for comfort instead of God. Is this a common hurdle for Christian women to have resistance to view it as being selfish?

Answer: Thank you for your questions. It shows that you are working on getting healthy and learning to think about and read God’s word in new ways and think for yourself. 

I’m going to start with your second question about treating yourself with kindness and compassion rather than critical harshness or judgment. First, let me remind you that God is a God of compassion, full of lovingkindness (Psalm 86:15; Psalm 145:8; Exodus 34:6). If we are to grow to become more and more like him (Ephesians 4:15; 2 Peter 1:4), wouldn’t kindness and compassion, even towards our own self, be a part of that growth? 

What is healthy, good, or godly about being harsh, condemning, critical, and judgmental towards yourself or others? The Bible tells us that our words are powerful, and that would also apply to the words we use on our own selves. We are told not to judge others. Would that not also include yourself? Romans 8:1 says that there is no condemnation if we are in Christ Jesus, so wouldn’t self-condemnation be the opposite of what God shows you?

I think the mistaken idea around this thinking goes something like this. When you mess up, if you’re compassionate towards yourself then you’ll give yourself a pass. You’ll excuse your sin or your character defect instead of changing it. If you are truly repentant, you would hate yourself, beat yourself up, and condemn yourself until you’re so sick of your sin you’ll change. Sound familiar? Sometimes what sounds true, is not true.

We see people who are brutal with themselves and still stay stuck in the same addictions, lifestyle sins, and immaturity. Judas hated himself for what he did and instead of repenting, he was filled with shame and self-hatred and hung himself (Matthew 27:3-11). That kind of self-condemnation gives the devil a foothold in every way. Satan is the master deceiver and accuser of our souls. (John 8:44, Revelations 12:10-12). Why would we want to act more like him than like Jesus?

Jesus didn’t beat Peter up when he betrayed him. The risen Christ didn’t beat Saul up when he met him on the road to Damascus. He didn’t agree with the religious leaders to have the woman caught in the act of adultery stoned. He willingly initiated a conversation with a Samaritan woman, which was something no respectable Jewish man would have willingly done. 

Having compassion on a person as well as yourself does not mean ignoring reality or excusing sin or the impact it’s had on us or others (Ephesians 4:32). It means we take ourselves to the cross with humility, gentleness, and compassion (Galatians 6:1). We are to speak the truth in love, even to ourselves (Ephesians 4:15). Speaking truth without love is like chewing on bitter herbs, very tough to take in and swallow. It’s noise, not loving correction or wisdom (1 Corinthians 13:1). 

You also asked if relying on yourself for comfort means you are not relying on God. I don’t think it’s an either/or thing. Or if you do one thing, then the other can’t be true as well. God comforts in the way only God can (2 Corinthians 1:3-5). And there are times it’s perfectly reasonable, appropriate, and necessary to provide comfort/care for your own self Ephesians 5:29). 

I remember watching a good friend of mine slather lotion all over her legs when we were rooming together during a speaking event. It touched me how she ministered kindness to her dry parched legs and feet after a long day of standing and walking. I’ve been compassionate to my exhausted and tired body by taking a hot bath and going to bed early, sometimes leaving a sinkful of dirty dishes for another day. Maybe a kind word after you’ve blown it yelling at your kids, not excusing your outburst, but showing compassion for your regretful mom-self. 

Paul tells husbands to love their wives as their own selves, for no one hates his own flesh (Ephesians 5:29). Jesus tells us to love one another as we love ourselves (Mark 12:31). The golden rule is to do unto others as you would have them do unto you (Luke 6:31; Matthew 7:12). Don’t you think that the world, including the church, would be a much more appealing place to have meaningful nourishing relationships as well as stimulating conversations if we all treated one another and ourselves with kindness, respect, and love? That we showed compassion towards all of God’s image bearers and not just the ones that look like us? Not just the ones we like or agree with politically or spiritually? After all, isn’t that what Jesus said of his disciples, that they would be known for their love for one another (John 13:35)? Compassion does not erase the truth. It wraps itself around truth to make it easier to hear and take in. 

Your second question was about understanding the difference between accepting your honest limitations, (living in truth) such as I do not have the size or enough talent to become a professional basketball player, versus telling yourself “I can’t” and getting stuck in never trying or stretching yourself to reach lofty and difficult goals. 

I think it’s both/and. When we believe we have limits we stay stuck at those perceived limits. Closer to the truth is when we think this way (fixed mindset) which limits our own growth potential. For example, when people believe “I’m not “good” at math or basketball or art, they believe that means they can’t do it. However, those who exhibit a different mindset (growth mindset) don’t think the same way as those with fixed mindsets think. Growth mindset individuals understand that they can “learn” to be good at math or basketball or art if they work hard at it, get coaching or tutoring, and develop those skills. Now realistically no one would work hard at something if they didn’t want to learn it. However, having a natural aptitude or innate talent does not limit your ability to learn or grow in this skill unless you have a fixed mindset. For me, I didn’t naturally excel at writing. No teacher in elementary school, high school or college ever wrote on my papers, “You are a good writer.” Yet, it was something I learned to do as I applied myself to learning it. Carol Dweck has a great book on this called Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. 

Someone can learn to be excellent at art, or a sport, or at math, and still have real limitations in terms of professional success or making a decent living. If we live in a comparison world, there are people who will be more talented, more physically endowed, and better at something than we are. I’ve written 7 books but none of them have been New York Times best sellers. Does that mean I can’t write? No. Does that mean that my books have not had an impact? No. But I could have never made a living on the sale of my books alone. But that does not mean anything to God’s view of impact or how he wants you to use your gifts and talents. Paul tells young Timothy “Fan into flames the gifts God has given you.” (2 Timothy 1:6-8). Who does that for you if you don’t? That means stewarding the gifts and talents that you know you have and opening yourself up to the possibility that you have some hidden abilities and gifts that you will need to develop and work at to bring to maturity. 

We all have to live within limitations, but don’t let your mind determine those limits. Stretch and grow yourself into your best self. God is ultimately responsible for how your gifts and talents get used, but don’t allow them to lay dormant because you were afraid or never put in the work to develop them because you believed a lie that you couldn’t do it. 

Friend, how do you show self-compassion towards your own self?