Morning friend,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts about the Kingdom of God. Here are some things I’ve been pondering. As I discern, I see the Kingdom of God consisting of unconditional love, truth, beauty, and justice. Like fireflies of warm summer nights, these elements shine heavenly light in dark places. Like a little yeast that permeates the whole loaf. Or a small mustard seed that grows into a large bush. God tells us that his kingdom is among us and within us as his image bearers. We thrive best when we walk in truth, beauty, unconditional love, and justice. But the darkness is real, powerful, and battles to win.
So, my thoughts are: How do we live in the reality of God’s kingdom rather than in the world’s kingdom which feels louder, stronger, and more powerful?
Your Question A quote from today’s newsletter article has me stumped: “The great struggle in the life of faith is not sin but the good that is not good enough.”
I initiated my separation from my husband in March. While the primary goal was for me to get well and for my kids to be safe, I desperately hoped my husband would wake up to his destructive patterns and repent so our family could be restored. Now here we are, 4 months later in marriage counseling and still separated, and I see little to no change in my husband.
He continues to prioritize his privacy, undervalue me, and speak disrespectfully to me. I don’t know what to do. I’ve prayed for a miracle – for my marriage to be freed from destructive patterns – but I don’t see that happening any time soon. I don’t want to divorce, but there are so few dynamics in our marriage that I want to return to. I don’t want to settle for “good enough,” yet I don’t feel released from our marriage. I don’t know how all this will impact my three young boys.
Answer: The quote you referred to was from Oswald Chambers’ book, “My Utmost For His Highest.” Oswald Chambers concludes his quote by saying, “The good is always the enemy of the best.” This was what Paul was also talking about in Philippians when he prayed, “That your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, willed with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ – to the glory and praise of God.” Philippians 1:9,10.
Your question seems to be around discerning what is “best” regarding the future of your marriage. You’ve prayed God would open your husband’s eyes to his destructive ways and so far, it appears nothing is happening. You say you don’t feel released from your marriage yet and you’re anxious how all of this will impact your three young boys. You initiated the separation to get yourself well and your kids to be safe. Has that happened? Are you better off living apart without the drama? Are your kids safer even if your marriage isn’t better or your husband isn’t aware of or admitting to his destructive patterns? If so, isn’t that better than what was before?
For you to be healthy (well), there are certain things that you must come to accept as true. One, you can’t change someone else. Two, it seems that for now, your husband sees no need to change his ways of thinking or his ways of treating both you and the children to have a better relationship. If you accept that as true, what does that mean for you?
So often we get confused because we see so clearly what someone else must do or change to be healthy and for our life to work better. We define what is best (for them). When the other person doesn’t agree or cooperate with our desire for their change, we feel desperate and stuck. We want them to be the way we want them to be. But that is not walking in truth or love. It’s living in fear and demand. The kind of thinking that believes, I can never be okay if you don’t change.
For you to experience God’s best for you, you must learn to love and accept people the way they are, not the way you want them to be. A great example of watching this in action is when Jesus loved the rich young ruler. The man who wanted the perks of following God but did not want to give up his wealth to truly do so. Jesus didn’t beg him or argue with him. He accepted him just as he was, loved him, and let him go (Mark 10:21).
What might be possible if you accepted your husband just the way he is and then wisely evaluated whether you and your children would be safe living with him the way he is? If the answer is no, wouldn’t knowing and accepting that reality be best for all of you? Wouldn’t that be a better alternative than begging, demanding, pleading, or requiring him to be something other than what he is?
I wonder if the ugly reality of divorce is tripping you up because you have a false belief that you can’t ever experience God’s best if you choose that route. A belief that only successful marriages qualify as living in God’s best plan. To accept less means you and your kids fall into plan B, plan C, or plan Z of God’s best.
Friend, it’s true, God values the sanctity of marriage but not more than the people in it. If your husband does not desire to treat you with decency and respect, nor want to create a safe environment to raise children, then what is best here? Can you love him and respectfully let him go be the man he wants to be, accepting that who he wants to be is incompatible with having a loving, safe, family relationship? He may never change, but what do you need to change so that you can live out God’s best for you and your boys?
Friend, how do you let go of what you think is best and allow God to show you what is best for your life right now?
